I can hardly believe we are doing this again...ten years and four kids later and Mark is leaving on another military deployment! I had forgotten that sickening feeling of dread. But here it is again, settling over us like a heavy fog.
One month until he ships out. This time as an officer, so life will be a little better for him. This past week we packed three trunks and sent them ahead. As we vacuum-sucked and sealed the bags to make every bit of space count, I could feel a big knot growing in my chest. After the last trunk, we sat down together and I had a good cry. I didnt mean to cry yet, but it just came out.
Then I tried to get myself together and look "normal" so as not to scare the children.
The Base Ombundsman gave me a nifty little DVD by the Sesame Street gang. Its for children of deploying military members. I havent played it yet -though I have heard its pretty good. Its just hard for me to believe that Elmo could possibly have anything comforting to say to a four year old little boy who's Daddy is leaving him for six months (at least) - right before his birthday. Or, what soothing phrase can Cookie Monster utter to my 8 and 9 year old girls if Dad ends up in Afghanistan or Iraq. I know, I know, I should at least watch it first. Maybe Big Bird can't comfort the rest of us -but the two year old might go for it...
Personally, I am holding out for the "grace upon grace" that comes right in the nick of time. I know from experience that God's grace and peace will not come a minute too late. When I am at my lowest, He will be there. When I think I cannot make another day alone, His presence will steady me and strengthen me. Similarly, I also know that for now I will have to feel the dread. I will have to name my fears and take them to Him in prayer. He WILL let me grieve over Mark leaving and feel the sadness along with the children. And Mark will also have to grieve for the months he will miss with us. These next four weeks will be pretty miserable around the Conard household as we all come to terms with this upcoming separation. It is just part of the process of deployment. So pray for us, if you are reading this blog. And pray for me as I "single-mom" it for six or seven months...
