Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Surrender

Spiritually, I feel like Jacob must have felt when he wrestled with God. I'm beat.

These last few months have been a mental and emotional wrestling match between me and the Lord. And guess who won?
I have strained my heart and mind looking back, unable to move past the grief of leaving Zambia. Last week after a phone call with a dear friend there, I found myself weeping bitterly and scribbling the incriminating but heartfelt "Why!!!? Lord!" in my journal. With all of my aching soul I wanted to be back there. Not to the no-water, no-electricity moments, necessarily, but to the Zambian people and my missionary family who I love and miss so dearly. And also...I wanted to be back there with Mark. Where our days (and nights) and our work were spent together, hand in hand. My longing for Africa and my longing for him had become entwined.
Somehow I felt that our work as missionaries was...well, a fine thing. Something honorable and beautiful in the daily self-sacrifice of it. And I couldn't convey that to what I am living now. I just felt alone and homesick.
Then one day I looked beside me in church and felt a little tingle because there sat two of the officers' wives who I had invited to come. And they kept coming. And they liked it!
And not long after that one of them actually turned to me after the service and said something like "Hey, Stacey, would you want to lead a bible study for us at your house?". Gee, let me think about it...
The next week I sat in my living room and shared my story of becoming a Christian with two of the wives. They decided to follow Him. Now there are four of us and we meet every week for two hours. We are studying Rick Warren's book The Purpose Driven Life and for the first time they are considering what it means to let God have control. And though I have been a Believer now for about 15 years, I am learning again what SURRENDER really means.
This morning as I read Chapter 10 in preparation for Thursdays study, I was struck with Jesus's words in Luke 9:23:
"If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want. they must be willing to give up their lives daily to follow me."
I knew what I needed to surrender. The Lord reminded me so sweetly of all He was doing around me. I thought of the three women He had given me to disciple. Each of them so hungry for His word, so eager to learn more...How often in Zambia had I prayed for an opportunity like that (and in my own language no less!)...I remembered that incriminating "Why!!?Lord!" in my journal...Oh how gentle but firm His hand!
So after praying it through I wrote in the margins "I lay down my desire to be back in Zambia, my longing for Mark to be here with me, and all my feelings of inadequacy. From this day forward, I am a slave to Jesus Christ." Then signed it.

I know this laying down our lives is a daily thing.
I will keep having to go back to it and reminding myself. But by His grace and might I will resist picking those things back up.
That doesn't mean I won't still be homesick for Zambia, or that I won't miss Mark and look hopefully for his return.
It means simply that I have surrendered. And it is a sweet relief.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Homeschool Field Trip

Yesterday we packed a picnic lunch and joined some friends for a homeschool field trip to the Santa Barbara Zoo. It is a smaller zoo but there was plenty to keep the kids interested. Katie kept us all informed with a litany of facts memorized from the Animal Planet!
After the first hour, we were ready for a break. The picnic/park area was inviting. We found a shade tree with some tables underneath for our little feast. Then we wrapped up the afternoon by visiting the rest of the animals and the gift shop. You can see our picture to the left -all tuckered out but well-satisfied with out field trip!
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