Remember how the Lord your God led you...

A little more

2010-09-24T15:50:00.000-04:00

Mark returned from his four day field op. We are all glad he is home. Just wish he did not have to leave next month, but trying to enjoy every minute. Every day becomes more precious. No time for petty fusses. Makes one aware how very many things are actually trivialities. That is the bittersweetness of wartime deployments - all the silly little bad habits or once-irritating annoyances of eachother are forgotten. Suddenly, it is enough just to reach over in bed and feel the others warm hand or hear his heart beating.

I found this quote by C. S Lewis, made as his wife joy underwent cancer treatments:

"We are not necessarily doubtful that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

Also still waiting to hear about our travel approval to go get Josiah MingHua. Stephanie will go with me. at this point it looks like Mark may be gone before we return with him. Sigh. Such a disappointment to me and also to Mark, who very much had hoped to see his new son before he left.
But our God is not unaware.

Adoption Stats

2010-08-29T08:14:00.000-04:00

It is estimated there are between 143 million and 200 million orphans worldwide.

Approximately 250,000 children are adopted annually, BUT...

Every day 5, 760 more children become orphans.

Each year 14, 505,000 children grow up as orphans and age out of the system by age sixteen.

Every 2.2. seconds another orphan ages out with no family to go to and no place to call home.

(Stats courtesy of recent UNICEF numbers, see link)

James 1:27 says:
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..."

http://skywardjourney.wordpress.com/why-adoption/

Blurps, Blogs, and Care Packages

2010-08-22T17:24:00.000-04:00

Just a few days ago someone on a yahoo adoptive parents group asked if I blog. They wanted me to send them my blog address so they could follow our adoption. Hhhhmmmm. Do I blog? Well, since my last post was in April, I am not sure I can claim true blogger status. I am more of a blurp-er, sending out little blurps every now and then.
I was encouraged to fix myself.
At first I wondered who in the world would care if my blurps became blogs anyway, except those four groupies who have me on their watch list (Hi Mom, Dad, Uncle JimBob and Aunt Ellie!). But in an effort toward consistency, I will give it a try and see if I can offer a post more often. Then maybe one day I can reach true "blogger" status. Sigh...

On August 9th, we received that long awaited Letter of Approval/Letter Seeking Confirmation -otherwise known as the LOA in adoption lingo. It took 49 days from the time our dossier was received and logged in to the CCAA in China to get the LOA. During the wait, Mark was doing pre-deployment training in the Mojave desert. This is a picture of him (above) as he visited the airport USO...

Anyway, after the 30 day mark I was on my knees every morning pleading with God to send the LOA asap. After all, I argued, we are on a time crunch here with Mark's deployment approaching at the end of October. God was silent, except for a whispered "Wait" in my ear.
On August 9th, Mark's Battalion returned and I drove over to HQ to meet him. Some Marine missplaced his weapon and we all had to wait, but eventually they were dismissed. Mark followed my van in his car. As we pulled out, my cell phone rang. It was our agency! I swung into a nearby parking lot with Mark behind me. Then I got the good news we had been waiting for! We had received the Approval from China to adopt MingHua! Now, I was told, they needed us to BOTH sign the emailed copy TODAY and fax it back immediately to confirm that we would accept!
I got out of the car and told Mark. We had a little mini-celebration right there in the parking lot, laughing and crying and hugging. The Battalion S1 saw all the commotion and had pulled in beside us to ask if everything was ok. As Mark grabbed me in a big hug I heard him say "Everything is great, Captain! We're having a boy! And he's eight years old!"
We could not have been happier if some one had told us we were expecting a baby!
On the way home, I marvelled at God's perfect timing. If that LOA had come a week earlier as I had asked, then Mark would not have been there to sign those papers. And I would have been one very frustrated mother!

Another good thing about getting the LOA was that we were given permission to send our first care package to Josiah (MingHua) along with photos and a letter introducing us as his new family. We used a service called LADYBUGSNLOVE which puts the package together and mails it from within China. This is a picture of the items we had placed in his package. It includes a toy car, a soft blanket (blue), some candy and nut, and a photo album. Angela, the gal in China who does the packing, chose the yellow fuzzy tiger photo album to put our pictures in because this is the year of the Tiger in China. We also included a disposable camera so that we could get pictures and money for the orphange to buy a celebration cake (these are very popular in China).
Now we are waiting for the USCIS to grant approval for us to bring him home and then a travel invitation from China to go get him. All adoption proceedings will be finalized from within China.
Just heard today that the package was received from the orphanage on Thursday the 19th. So we hope to get pics soon. I would LOVE to post pictures of our little guy. But because of Hague Convention rules, we are not allowed to do that yet. One day...

The Journey Continues...

2010-04-21T20:14:00.000-04:00

We just received new pics of our soon-to-be son yesterday. He is beautiful. He is amazing. He is a tiny-for-his-age eight year old squinting into the sun. I wonder if he even questioned why they were taking his picture? If there was even a little flicker of hope in his mind that someone, somewhere could be requesting a picture of him(we did)? For me, receiving them was like getting those ultrasound pictures when my own babies were in utero...a little glimpse of someone very very special, someone you dont know yet, but who your whole world is about to revolve around.
And yet I am finding that the adoption journey, especially the adoption of an older, special needs child, is a weird, lonely trail. Unlike pregnancy, most other moms don't have a story to tell you. As a matter of fact, most people don't even know what to say except "Are you crazy?". So they just don't say anything (which may be preferable in some cases).
But there are those people in your life who you really want to get on board: namely your close extended family members like the grandparents, aunts, and uncles and very dear friends, all of whom will have something to do with welcoming (you hope) this little person into their new life. Of course the underlying hope is that they will eventually warm up to the whole idea.

For now, it is enough that we are warm to it.

The Beginning of Our Journey...

2010-01-26T15:45:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, last Summer, after several months of prayer and a general feeling that the Lord wanted to take us out of our comfort zone but not being sure exactly HOW, we made an inquiry with the International Mission Board concerning a return to the field. We were not certain that this was where God was leading, but we wanted to be willing to go back, and we were. We also met with Pastor Mike and Diane and they counseled and prayed with us. We sincerely wanted to follow God's leading and we conveyed this to our Board. The Board's answer : No. Sadly, their number one reason was the fact that they have actually been forced to reduce their missionary number due to lack of funds. Another concern was the age of our daughters now -preteens, which is a tenuous age to take kids out of their own culture and into another one. We were a little sad, mainly because we will always miss Africa, but also relieved because God had answered our prayers and closed a door He obviously did not want us to go through.

So we continued to pray and continued to be convinced that He was calling us to follow Him in some new and possibly terrifying way! It wasn't long before our daughter Grace began to talk to us about adoption. One day on a walk she asked Mark and me if we ever thought any more about adopting. You see, five years ago in Zambia we often worked with an orphanage for babies and children affected by HIV/AIDS which was only about 200 yards from our home. Grace and I would go there and help care for the little ones. We fell in love with a little boy named Kayawe. Thats when God first opened our minds and hearts to adoption. However, because of US and Zambian laws, we could not adopt a baby with AIDS. Thankfully, the orphanage director allowed us to bring Kayawe into our home for visits, and we would play with him, bathe his sores, and try to make him smile through his pain. Kayawe died in July 2005. We tucked away our dream of adoption with our memories of him.

Until that walk...

I answered Grace "Grace, we have four children already. We can't save every child in the world!"

To which she replied "But Mom, it might MEAN the world to just one child -to have a family, to be loved."

Mark and I were broken that day. We prayed and asked God if THIS was His new and terrifying direction for us. It wasn't long before we both came to the conclusion that it was. He began to confirm it in many ways.

Soon, He brought Dawn Lucas into our path and very soon after that we were looking at lists and lists of precious children. At first we assumed that the Lord would direct us to adopt from Africa. But we could not stop looking at that list of waiting, special needs little boys in China. And then we found M H. And we all knew it was him. Even our children knew that HE was the one.

Our family is committed to bringing M H home. In our hearts, he is our son already. We hope that you will embrace him as well and through our family and friends he will truly know and feel the love of Christ and one day embrace Jesus as His Lord and Saviour. No, we may not be able to go to the world. But we can bring one little child out of the world, into our home.

Please pray for us:

Provision: of prayer and finances and smooth paths for all the paperwork.

Protection: from the enemy's schemes -he does not want M H in a Christian home.

Preparation: for our family and for M H as it will be a big adjustment for everyone!

Salvation: that M H will one day embrace Christ as Lord and Saviour.

Blessings!!

Mark and Stacey Conard

"Behold I will do a new thing,

Now it shall spring forth;

I will even make a road in the wilderness

And rivers in the desert."

Isaiah 43:19

2009-12-27T15:36:00.000-05:00

Cecil G. Smith

Nov.18,1917 to Dec.25, 2009

2009-09-13T10:49:00.000-04:00

Beloved,
Some days I love you with passion and recklessness. You walk into a room wearing those dress blues and my heart does a crazy flip flop over you. Our love is like children playing in falling leaves and rolling out-of-control down brown, grassy hills. Laughing and certain, I am all yours without hesitation.

And some days I love you with an amiable thoughtfulness. Peaceful and reserved. We are two lovers walking hand in hand on life's path. Quiet and content, together.

And then there are days like today...
Days when our love is a wound, sharp and burning, then a dull ache and a scar. We have wrestled and fought and injured. We have hurt but then we have mended. We have shaken hands and resolutely called a truce.

So today our love is a peace treaty.

Holding On

2009-07-13T17:12:00.000-04:00

Some pictures taken last Summer at Nanny Ruth and Papaw Cecil's place.

Papaw...

I took your hand

this last time

and it seemed soft, frail...

But you held tight.

and I held on

to you.

Remembering a Summer day when

I was ten

(As she is now, my Katie Beth)

And you

You were a giant in the hay field then.

We walked together

My small hand in

your brown, leathery, work-calloused one.

I felt all the world was right

That day.

I smiled up at you and chattered on

a magpie of a girl

Sturdy and tan and sure

of you.

And now

It is another day.

Your hand is weak and pale and cool

Your words are rising up to me as mine

rose up to you that day -father of my mother

Giant of my heart.

Though now you are small and fragile

And you are whispering goodbye.

I am holding on.

The Successful Failed Experiment

2009-06-21T12:07:00.000-04:00

I think there will be some moaning and groaning around our house this week as the kiddos return from the grandparents.
They will find a drastic change waiting for them, a challenge of sorts. But I feel sure they can rise to the challenge just as they have in the past.
Something will be missing when they get home.
The cable tv has been disconnected!
Horrors!
Yes, actually the cable guy on the phone could hardly believe we were canceling. He kept saying "What will your kids do all Summer??" (Hhmmm...let's see...how about read, play, create, talk...) I think he actually contemplated called CPS.

This may seem sudden, but actually is all started a few months ago.
You see, at first we thought it strange that Pastor Charles Stanley advises people to start reading the bible in the book of Proverbs(stay with me here). But this year we started reading Proverbs with the kids. Its easy to keep up with because each chapter can coincide with a day of the month. So on the 19th, for example, we can read the 19th chapter...thru the 31st and then start back over on the 1st. If we miss a day then we can make it up next month. There is always something new to learn. The Proverbs really is a book replete with timely wisdom. Think of these simple but true proverbs which we would all do well to heed:
"Don't talk too much, for it fosters sin. Be sensible and turn off the flow!" (10:19)
"It is better to be poor and godly than rich and dishonest." (16:8)
"A dry crust eaten with peace is better than a great feast with strife." (17:1)
"Any story sounds true until someone sets the record straight." (18:17)
"Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor, only fools insist on quarreling." (20:1)
"The Lord is more pleased when we do what is just and right than when we give Him sacrifices." (21:3)
The principle 'Bad company corrupts good character' is a truth found throughough the book of Proverbs.
Romans chapter 12: 2 also reminds us:
"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think..."
I'm just setting the stage here...
Anyway...
About the time we started reading in the book of Proverbs, we also moved to our new duty station. While signing up for internet service we decided to do a six month experiment with cable tv. Since moving back to the US from Zambia three years ago, we have not had cable or satellite tv for more than a handful of months. But we heard about DVR and thought maybe this was something that would help overcome our reticence...after all, we could record the shows we approved for viewing. It would be an ideal way to control the tv watching. And at the same time, we could skip thru the commercials that we find so offensive. Maybe, we thought, with some strict parental control and using these new features we could make cable tv something that could actually enjoy as a family. After all, with DVR we could tape all those great History and National Geo documentaries that could go right along with our homeschool subjects. Not to mention the stuff just for fun ( like watching Paula Deen cook up a batch of Ooey Gooey Butter bars on the FOOD NETWORK!).
The expermient began March 1st...
It ended today, June 21st.
Following are our findings, in a nutshell:

We found that there is nothing on television that is worth...
* The precious family time/interaction that it steals.
* Exposing our children to people that we would not let in the front door of our home!*Exposing our children and ourselves to subtle but powerful anti-God, anti-biblical ideas and biases.
*The $70-$80 per month price tag

And it didn't even take us six months to figure it out.
We tried. We really did. We locked out every show under PG . We carefully monitored the television viewing. We recorded "family friendly" shows.
But we basically found that the draw of the culture was too strong. For instance, even though we allowed our kids to watch two seemingly 'harmless' shows on the Disney channel and one on Nickelodeon, the "addiction" these shows created was ridiculous. In a short time, the same kids who once enjoyed family reading time, games, puzzles and outdoor activities could hardly be persuaded to wrench themselves away from their new "favorite" tv shows. And even though we limited viewing hours, it became the THING to look forward to every day - watching tv.
We tried using it as a homeschool tool. But that failed miserably thanks to the incredibly liberal and anti-Christian bent of the documentaries available. We never did make it thru a complete documentary on the History channel. Other shows that might have been educational (like one chronicalling David Livingstones trek across Africa , which we were particularly interested in) were downright disappointing because they chose to make it a "reality" show, displaying the egos, biases, and inexperiences of the so-called modern"explorers" making the journey.
But really, Mark's comments sum it all up:
"We haven't really found anything good about having television. All it does is open the door to our home to every type of wordly, ungodly influence we try so hard to battle. Our home is a haven for us, for our family. Television is simply the enemy's strategy to infiltrate our home."
Spoken like a true soldier.
And after making that statement, Mark said "Let's get rid of it! Now."
To which I wholeheartedly agreed. (that was yesterday)

So Happy Happy Father's Day! I called and cancelled it today.
You are a GREAT Dad, honey. You make me proud.
I think we can say that our failed experiment was TRULY a Success!!!

Aaaaahhhh.

"It is not by strength that one prevails..."

2009-06-16T15:10:00.000-04:00

"It is not by strength that one prevails...", Hannah praised God with those words at Shiloh as she left her only child there -dedicated to the Lord's service. In her song of praise, she reflects on the deliverance and might of God. What do we have that He has not given us? Hannah knew that she was the recipient of God's blessing. When her own frail body refused to produce a child, she asked the Lord and 'the Lord remembered her'. She conceived and gave birth to Samuel.

Hannah reminds us that warriors are strengthened and kings are enthroned only by the might of the Lord. Children are born, fed, and clothed by His mercy. He brings poverty and wealth, humility and exaltation. "For the foundation of the earth is the Lord's; upon them He has set the world."
Truly I cannot prevail against this world in my own strength. None of us can. I am only recently reminded of that. My body does not cooperate with my desires. The things I long to do, I cannot do. I am uncomfortably limited and will be for some time. Endeavoring to slog through, persevere, and just grit my teeth - that good old "can do" spirit, well, it seemed to work for a time (a rather long time), But it was a facade. I am physically broken. It is only God's hand that has held me up (and continues to do so). I long to cook for my family, but I cannot. I long to pick up my son and hold him but I cannot. The very ones who I long to serve and care for are having to serve me. My mother has had to come and care for me like a little child. Friends are making our meals and cleaning the bathrooms. And it will be weeks of recovery.
It is humbling and... sacred.
Humbling, obviously -when you can't even bend over to pull up your own pants! But sacred...because I have this opportunity to receive from others. And I hold it like a precious treasure, this gift of their service and mercy...their patience...their acts of kindness and love.
And I actually have all this time to sit and think about it, to ponder their gift.

But I also have time to watch the news.
Which frightens me if I keep it on too long, because it all seems a bit overwhelming. It sure makes my crisis seem insignificant, what with world powers in conflict and all...
And then Mark will come home from work and shake my reality with news about a Memorial service he attended for 13 Marines killed in Afghanistan....and how his heart ached for the families, for the children, those sons and daughters whose Daddies will never come home. He will turn his face away when he is telling me this, because he doesn't want me to see that he is crying and that his day has been heavy with sorrow.
Again I am reminded that it is not by strength that one prevails. Yes, Hannah, you were right. Our own bodies are frail. Our world is bent on destruction. Our warriors fall in battle.
The only hope that we have is this: that the same God who holds the foundation of the world in His hand, is not haphazard. He is not random. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and ever-present. He does not change. Hannah's God is still the same.

"He will guard the feet of His saints"

'

2009-03-26T07:20:00.000-04:00

In his Experiencing God devotional book Henry Blackaby writes pointedly:

"There are times when Jesus will ask you to join Him as He is at work in the life of your friend, family, or coworker. If you are preoccupied with your own needs, you will miss the blessing of sharing in His divine activity. God is gracious. He forgives, and He provides other opportunities. He will even use our failings to bring about good, but it is critical that we respond in obedience to every prompting from God. God does not need our obedience; He has legions of angels prepared to do His bidding when we fail Him. The loss is ours as we miss what God wants to do in our lives."
At this moment, I am sitting at the computer early in the morning ("o'dark hundred") having just rolled out of bed and stumbled downstairs a few minutes ago. Outside, about 100 yards in front of my house, a company of Marines is making a heap of noise. They are outfitted in full gear and the Gunny is screaming every obscenity he can conjure. These guys are running some kind of tortuous drills. But, boy, are they motivated. Lots of "ooh-rahs" and cheering fill the air. The sun is just comng up.
Farther away, an artillery battery has started firing the big guns. A dull thud and "Boom" reverberates through the house every 20 minutes or so.
The birds are still singing. Like us, they are used to the noise. Living on base, I daily see countless young Marines going about the business of soldiering. They are being conformed to one another, conformed to being a Marine. It is serious stuff.
I don't mind these drills out in front of my house. I am sorry that my kids might wake up and hear an obscenity. But I know that those guys are training for battle one day. And I am reminded that many (most?) of them do not know Christ. They are well-prepared to win a physical battle, but spiritually they are helpless without Him. This is my prayer-field.
I wish I could say that I take every opportunity God offers to me. But I don't.
Like Blackaby says, I get caught up in my own needs.
But sometimes I will pass a young man in uniform (and amazingly they seem to get younger and younger!) and I will be struck with the possibility that he may be deployed tomorrow. He may be in combat next week. He may be in a car accident overnight. Those thoughts motivate me to pray for him, to pray that the Lord will put a Godly friend or Chaplain in his path, that his heart will be softened to the truth and he will come to know Christ as his Saviour, his Friend, his Front and Rear Guard...
And then there are the families...
I don't want to miss what God is doing around me. I am praying about this neighborhood He put us in. It is really beautiful. Technically, it is a miracle that we got this house. But He is completely in control. So Mark and I are anticipating what He is already doing here. We want to join Him. So I am praying. And I am making friends. And I am looking to see where God is at work.
Oh, I wonder how often the angels have had to pick up my unfinished tasks. Or when they have gotten the privilege of doing His bidding when I failed...I look back and I know that I have often been too preoccupied with my self and my family to share in His activity. But I just have to wrap myself in His grace, take another breath, look out my window...and try again.
Thank You, Lord.

Moving Tips I WILL Remember Next Time!

2009-03-13T16:14:00.000-04:00

Next time we move (which I hope is not for a few years! Did you hear that, Mr. Navy Detailer?!), I need to remember a few things. So for posterity (and sanity's) sake I am going to record them here:

WATCH Mr. Packer and MAKE SURE he labels each box in detail. Do not be deterred when he tries to get rid of you by insisting that he has worked for the packing company for 110 years, is a veteran of two wars and promises with his hand over his heart that he will label your boxes correctly. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM!!! No matter how much he looks like your husband's Uncle Bill or whatever. If you believe him then you deserve to find your cookware in the box marked "HOMESCHOOLING SUPPLIES".
Hold on to your pots, pans and utensils until the end and pack them in the last box yourself. Then label it clearly "LAST BOX ON<>
Put the kids' bike helmets in the FIRST BOX OFF, because they WILL get bored and want to go explore their new neighborhood as soon as Mr. Unpacker gets their bikes put together again.
Don't let the unloaders stack boxes 10-high in a dark corner of the garage where you can't read them and you have to unstack the whole thing to get to the one with the bike helmets:<
Insist that the unloaders also stay and unpack EVERYTHING and carry off every box and piece of wrapping paper with them when they go. Yes, I know they will look surprised, they will go super slow hoping you will get fed up and tell them to go home, they may even tell you a sad story about missing their 3 year olds birthday party. Dont buy it. The military pays them good money to stay and unpack every single box and even put it where you tell them to. Don't get short changed, even if you dont have a place to put all of it right away. Just stack it against the wall. At least it will be out of the confounded box and the box (and all the paper) will be their job to get rid of! I repeat "DON'T GET LEFT WITH ALL THE BOXES AND PAPER!"
Don't take lip from the truckdriver/unloaders about how they cant carry stuff to the attic or they can't put the dishes up in the cabinet, they just have to leave them on the counter. This is a clever ploy to make you so disgusted that you will send them all away. Instead, just smile and call the number for the military Liason who has been assigned to your move. Let them handle it. Soon, your stuff will be in the attic and your dishes will be in the cabinets:>
Don't feed the movers (on either side) PIZZA. Be creative. Everyone gives them pizza.
Give them a big tip - both packers and unpackers. If they do the job they are supposed to do, these guys work HARD. They deserve it.
Be prepared to spend a LOT if not ALL of your dislocation allowance (and most of what you thought you "saved" by eating bologna sandwiches and staying in cheap motels on that cross country drive).
Moving is expensive. Actually, its the getting settled that costs so much. A new house always means new spaces to fill and new storage needs to accomodate. It also means new curtains when your new house has 20 windows and your old house only had 10.
I don't know why, but moving always means a new bookshelf or two.
It also means eating out longer than you thought because: Mom did not follow advice #1.) or #2.) on this list. She failed to insist that her cookware be packed in the FIRST OFF box because she THOUGHT that the packer was correctly labeling each and every box. Sigh...So by the time she rifled through twenty two boxes labeled only "K-ware" (the pots and pans were, of course in box #22 with the beach towels), well, Mom was too darned tired to cook anything! So be prepared to eat out a few extra times.
I can't think of another one. But I'm sure I will in about 30 months...Thank you Uncle Sam.

Its All About You

2008-12-29T17:15:00.000-05:00

In church service on Sunday, we sang a chorus to a popular worship song that went something like this:
"I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it.
Cause its all about You.
Its all about You
Jesus."
There is more to the song, but I can't remember the other words. ITS ALL ABOUT YOU just kept reverberating in my mind thru the whole sermon. It was a little epiphany moment for me, you might say.
So instead of paying closer attention to the sermon (the Lord seemed to have other issues to address with me), I felt moved to write this prayer...

Lord forgive us for making it all about Us. In particular, forgive me for making it all about ME most of the time.
Help us to keep You firmly on the throne of life, in the center of our focus every day.
Forgive us for the feelings of discontent and dissatisfaction that we allow to take root and grow. Forgive us for our worries over the future and our lack of trust in where You choose to place us at any given time.
Show us how to focus our hearts and minds on You, to see where You are at work right where You've put us today -lest we miss it because we are straining to see where You might put us tomorrow.
Keep us willing and pliable to do Your will and go if You say "Go". In the meantime, plant us deeply where we are now, that we might serve You -knowing that Your will for us does not center on a place or a job title, but on our relationship with You and our day to day obedience.
Lord, You know our hearts, that Mark and I committed ourselves to serve You many years ago. We committed to go whereever You called us -no matter what the cost. And You, Lord, have proved to be a demanding but Oh-so-loving and faithful Master!
Our committment has not changed. But we serve You imperfectly, childishly at times. We cringe at the costs and complain when the demands are uncomfortable. We pull our hands willfully out of Yours and find ourselves dismayed when we fall on our faces.
We get caught up in the lure of material things, forgetting that we are supposed to be in the world and not of it. We sometimes lack discernment and self-control. And we must constantly remind ourselves to set a higher standard and live by it. But we often miss the mark.
Lord, too many times we have become confident in Your favor rather than being confident in who You are. Life presses in and we give way to worry,doubt, pride, impatience, insecurity and fear.
It becomes all about us.

Forgive us, O Lord.
Because, really, its all about You Jesus.

SHARE THE ROAD

2008-11-12T16:44:00.000-05:00

About a week before Mark came home, I was driving along and saw a yellow road sign that read: SHARE THE ROAD. The word SHARE seemed to leap off the sign at me. It hit me very suddenly that in a few days I would have to do just that -SHARE. Share everything with Mark. The bathroom, the toothpaste, the bed, the children...all of it, even the very vehicle I was driving. After all, we only have one car and he would want to drive it sometimes, too.

It was a jarring thought.

Now this seemed strange to me (so if you are befuddled just keep reading) because I truly longed for Mark to come home and "rescue" me from the trials and tribulations of single motherhood. I could gladly share a little housework, childrearing, and lawn mowing. However, when it came to a few other things, as I said, I was shaken. I had grown accustomed to my little routine.

Well, I kept driving and out the thought out of my mind for another week. We had a joyous reunion when Mark came home. But within a couple of days, I stood in the bathroom having a flashback to that yellow sign. My typically neat, tidy-for-a-whole-week bathroom could not survive the onslaught of hurricane Mark. Within hours of being cleaned it seemed that water spots stained the mirror, towels and dirty clothing littered the floor, and toothpaste shamelessly smeared the sink. I will not mention the toilet.

What did it all mean? I sighed and thought about the ten piles of laundry hepaed up from his now-empty sea bags. I would hav eto wash those suckers and then clear out some extra drawer space for his clothes. And all that other "stuff" he brought back...gobs and gobs of gear, books, and a few Iraqi souvenires. Our garage was overflowing. But it was getting late.

I guessed that fish sticks were out for dinner because Mark hates that kind of thing. I would have to cook "real" food. I was pooped just thinking about it all. I could hear squealing and laughing coming from the living room where Mark and the boys were having a wrestling/tickle-fest.

A decision had to be made.

I could stomp around bitterly for a few days, bemoaning my dirty, cluttered house. I could feel sorry for myself and be a fool.

Or I could smile at the messes and thank God that Mark is here to make them. I could lay everything down right now. My pride, my independence, my self...and embrace the real gift of being Mark's helper, the gift of having him home.

It wasn't a tough choice.:>

Brothers

2008-09-28T21:30:00.000-04:00

Mark stops in Al Tequaddum on his way to Kuwait and spends some time with his brother-in-law, Chaplain Mark Brooks.

Remember, O LORD...

2008-09-15T09:20:00.000-04:00

This morning I read Psalm 132:1-10. As part of a bible study I am working on, I had to re-write it, personalize it. I considered the first verse :"The LORD remembered David and all the hardships he endured", and I pondered what it means to endure hardship...It has always been difficult for me to grasp this one, at least personally. I don't consider myself as enduring hardship- not really. I don't think I have known suffering -not truly. Not as my Saviour has. Everything else seems so small compared to what He endured.
But this verse helped me to see that God knows our frailty. He knows our level of endurance...each one personally. He considered David's hardships like an offering.

And as I read, my mind turned to Mark.
His hardships are an offering, a sacrifice to the Master he loves.
He endures separation from his family, intense heat, long work days with no time off, dangerous travel, hearing constant bad language and ungodly talk, little fellowship with other believers, PT in 100 degree, dry weather, the constant threat of sniper fire or mortars...
He could probably write a book, but he won't, because he rarely mentions any of that.
Instead, he just makes a joke and goes about doing what must be done,what he went there to do...be the hands and feet of Christ...the voice of one calling in the wilderness.

We have often talked about this move and why we did it. Why did we leave a job we loved (and did together) to come back into the military? We talk about it to remind ourselves... There was one overwhelming reason (and then alot of small things that confirmed it to us). It was a promise we made to eachother and to God when we first were married. We agreed that when God called, we would listen. No matter how difficult the task, no matter what sacrifice involved. We would work our whole lives to take the gospel whereever He called us.
We were so solemn then, making this pact. It was a serious thing. Yet it was a decision we made with youthful vision and dreams of adventure. But our Lord has firmly held us to it... though the adventure long ago gave way to real pain and a sometimes grit-your-teeth endurance.
Knowing what I know now...
I would promise again.

So here's my version of Psalm 132:1-10

The LORD remembered Mark
and all the hardships he endured,
and how he promised the LORD
"I will follow whereever You lead.
I will take Your Word to the war-front
and to the homeport.
I will be all things to all men in order to win some to You,
O Lord.
I will be a soldier to win soldiers to You."

Baptism in Ramadi

2008-09-15T00:25:00.000-04:00

Mark is baptizing a young man he lead to the Lord a few weeks ago in Iraq.

Isaac's First Day of Preschool...

2008-09-06T17:14:00.000-04:00

We can hardly believe it! Isaac is almost four, and he's going to preschool this year.
These are the pics we took on his first day. Of course his sisters and brother had to tag along. I think they hated to see him go as much as I did!
But Isaac was so excited, and he hardly looked back after walking into the class.
He sure has come a long way from being that tiny little preemmie in the NICU...

2008-08-28T00:56:00.000-04:00

Here is Mark with the Euphrates River in the background

2008-08-27T19:53:00.000-04:00

Ben praying "Dear Jesus, please bless Daddy and let him come home soon, 'cuz I miss him and love him and make the days go speedy fast til he comes back..."

Isaac playing with snails in the yard: "Dey'll sweep on duh fuffies..." translation : "They'll sleep on the fluffies" (Isaac's name for flower petals).

Bedtime questions from Benjamin: "Mom, will God ever turn bad?" "Mom, should we believe in spirits since we know God?" "Mom, why does our mouth make so much spit?" "Mom, why did Nana marry Poppop?"

Isaac questions: "Was you a liddle giwrl who pa'yed with toys once?"

Benjamin ask me at the beach this weekend: "Mom, can you go ahead and baptize me now?" (I had to insist that we wait for Daddy!)

Smiling is so much better than frowning. And laughing is better than crying.

For Thou art with me...

2008-08-11T10:44:00.000-04:00

Chaplain Mark Conard receives the 'all clear' to pray for a departing convoy of troops in Iraq...

Take Two...

2008-06-22T16:07:00.000-04:00

I've lost six pounds in ten days.
It was that stubborn six from the last baby that even weight watchers didn't budge.
But a bad appendics and a sick gallbladder melted it right off. Not the kind of weight loss program I would recommend. But highly effective. A nurse in surgery told me that another "gallbladder" (patients don't have names -just "the gallbladder in room 2") had lost twenty five pounds in a month. Gee, if only the diet companies could sell that : "BAD GALLBLADDER IN A BOTTLE - lose weight fast without even trying! No exercise required."
Of course they won't mention that the side-effects of a rogue gallbladder are pretty uncomfortable and that due to the nausea and pain food pretty much loses all appeal (if you can keep anything down at all).
I wouldn't buy it.

So I'm six pounds lighter and short two organs, to which I say "good riddance".
My bellybutton will never look the same and I'm pretty sure I'll never even wear bikini underwear again let alone a swimsuit. But in a couple of months I'm going to look back with longing on these peaceful days spent propped up on pillows in a dark bedroom, watching the FOOD Network and reading novels.
No, I definitely won't miss all the discomforts, weaknesses, and pains that come from surgery. But I'll look back thankfully on the rest.
Even now I have been able to say, and really mean it, "Thank You Lord".
Thank You for watching over me. Thank You for a mom and sister who are also nurses and take such good care of me. Thank You for forcing me to stop and listen to You.
Thank You for rest and healing.
And thank You for giving me extra time to pray.
Help me use it well.

Hot water bottles and chocolates...

2008-05-24T17:34:00.000-04:00

The kids and I are packing up and heading to Virginia for the Summer. Yippee! We can hardly wait to be surrounded by our family. And Stephanie (my twin sister) and her little tribe are headed in from Okinawa, Japan. Two months into Mark's seven month deployment and we can use a BIG diversion.

While we are away, I have offered the use of our house to a couple of families who are moving. They will need a place to stay while they do their "pack out"s and clean their homes for inspection. I figure that since we won't be here it only makes sense for them to make use of our house...
So...ok, I am my mother's girl. I confess. I have been scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees. I have scoured the bathrooms, cleaned out the closets, and washed all the sheets and blankets. I even had a yard sale today (and made a whopping $9). What's driving me? I pondered amidst the scrubwater. Mark can attest that I am by no means Martha Stewart. I even have a sign in my kitchen that says "My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it!" (gratis Stephanie!).
I thought of my mom. Mom shows love through acts of service. Whether its cooking up a southern meal from scratch for twenty people or preparing her house for the white glove test before we visit. And its not like any of us would actually look for dust. When we go home we are just happy to be there. But I have learned that this is Mom's way of saying "I love you. I want you to feel special and cared for". I think I used to take it for granted. But now I notice those efforts. And I see them for what they are. I even find myself emulating my Mom.
When Mark and I lived in Zambia, we kept a tiny one room guesthouse in our back yard. Now, my husband is the consummate Concierge. He LOVES playing host. And since I am the "Mrs" that makes me host-ess. It took me a a few years into our marriage to warm to the role (of hostess!). But in Zambia, Mark took it to a whole new level. He delighted in leaving hot water bottles in our guests' beds and chocolates under their pillows. I got into the act by making a coffee/tea tray in the guesthouse complete with hot pot and mugs. It was fun. And it was special. It was our way to say "We care about you!" to our fellow missionaries. If just for one night we could lift their burdens and make them smile...that was Mark's heart. And it became mine too.
So here I find myself sad that my Summer guests will come and I will not be here to tuck a hot water bottle in their bed and a chocolate under their pillow...sigh...
Well, I can at least clean the house!
I took a break and called Dad...He said mom was outside having a yard sale!

Dear Mark...

2008-05-22T00:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Mark,
It was so good to hear your voice on the phone last weekend...I did not want to hang up. Sometimes this fear in me swells up, you know. While you are talking to me on the phone I can be sure that you are ok. I can hear you breathe and laugh and sigh...you are real again, right beside of me. But when I hang up that phone, you are a world away from me. And it is a dream world that I cannot imagine...that maybe I don't want to imagine.
These past few days, I have known you are "out"...out of the protection of the "wire" (as you call it over there). So I just keep swallowing back that fear.
My trust is not in where you are (or where you are not), but in Who is with you.
I wish I could reassure you, sweetheart, that my faith was perfect and unwavering. But that would be disingenuine. Sometimes I waver. Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask myself questions like: "What if the CACO Chaplain comes to my door?""What will I do if I see a government car pull in the drive?"...stupid, destructive questions...But don't you think that all the other wives are asking the same ones? I wonder...but none of us would ever say it. That would be admitting that we think of such unthinkable things.
What do you think of? Do you wonder what the kids are doing in the evening? Do you imagine what it feels like to hug them goodnight? I ache for you over that one, darling. I know how badly you must miss them...I think in that way this separation is harder for you than for me. Yes, I am exhausted and lonely for your company, but I have the children. You, on the other hand, just have a bunch of sweaty guys!
When you called this time you sounded good -not discouraged like last week. I'm glad I could cheer you up then. I know that some days are harder than others. And we have an enemy who would like nothing better than to keep us in a pit. But Mark, you are right when you say that sometimes obeying God's call if very painful...sometimes I ask Him wouldn't He please like to give us another assignment? Preferably one we could do side by side? But the answer for now is a firm NO. So, like you, I would rather be separated and in the middle of His will than holding hands outside of it.
I love and miss you so much! Happy 40th Birthday!

Let us persevere, My Love...for His sake.
Stacey

One month down...

2008-05-08T10:29:00.000-04:00

For two weeks I have been trying to find time to sit down at my computer and write this blog. But uninterrupted time is hard to come by here in my house. Seems like there is always a pressing need, an urgent request, or a shrill scream: i.e. "Mooooommmm!!!!".
So I got up extra early this morning to write this. I don't know why... its not like I am a syndicated columnist. I wonder why people write blogs? Some people even write them every day or even several times a day(those people must get paid!).
I asked myself this morning if I couldn't just email someone. But it feels cathartic to get things in print like this. And hey I get to play with the font and the templates and add pictures... And with a blog I am not forcing anyone to read my ramblings. As a matter of fact I think I have a readership of two (and one of you is my mom).
Well, we have sailed past the one month milestone.
My adrenaline is running a little low now, I'll admit. I think the first month for us military- wives-of-deployed-service-members is all about adrenaline. Its all about making new routines, keeping busy, sending packages like crazy, and waiting for those first phone calls. Its about getting used to sleeping alone (unless you have kids like mine who like to camp out in your bedroom), trying to trim the lawn without amputating a limb (your own, with the weed-eater)... and utter despair when you come home to find a message on the phone from your husband that says he called while you were making that fifteen minute trip to the Commissary for milk (after sitting by the phone for four days). Its the bitterness of holding your six year old son when he finally breaks down and sobs "I miss my Daddy!!!!". Then the bittersweetness of watching your kids adjust to not having their Daddy, and trying to keep a balance of missing him and going on without him (all the while remembering that we will be making the reverse adjustment again in a few months).
Its about knowing that no one who is not a military wife can truly understand how you feel or what you need -but wishing desperately that they did! Its realizing that we are a military at war and not a country at war. And most Americans live their lives without a thought to the sacrifices that are being made on their behalf -every day, every moment. And its having to hear from well-meaning friends and relatives how poorly they think our government is being run and how our troops should just come home...which is no comfort to me because I am proud of my country and what our troops are doing in Iraq. What really encourages me is for people to say : I believe in what your husband is doing. I appreciate his sacrifice."
This first month for me has been all about staying the course...not wavering with every emotion, but setting my mind steadfastly to the task at hand. Every morning I remind the Lord about His promise in Isaiah 54:5, that HE is my Husband. He will have to meet my needs and walk with me. He will have to fend off fear and uncertainty. He will be my Refuge and my Rock. Peace will have to flow from Him. In my own strength I will lose resilience. I will waver. I will give way to loneliness and fear. But in His power I am equipped for all things....even being a military wife.

May 9th has been designated Military Spouse Day by president George Bush this year!

Countdown...

2008-03-25T01:30:00.000-04:00

Less than 2 weeks til Mark leaves. The painful tearing apart process has begun... At night in bed I stay close to him, trying to commit the feel of him, the warmth and strength of him, to memory...I wake in the still, dark hours and listen to his breathing. I can't fall back asleep. My mind is too full of the reality that he is leaving, that he is going to a very dangerous place far away. As I lay there, my heart begins to race...I feel panic at the thought of being alone...alone with four precious children to care for...this is an anxiety attack, I know. So I pray...until the fear shrinks and I can tuck it away. I would like to say that it disappears altogether. But that would be too easy...and insincere. I must live with it. No, I must live through it. Sometimes I just have to hold on...to grab the Lord's strong hand and duck my head and plow through...
But one thing I know, I cannot give fear the upper hand. It is dark and wicked and all- consuming. If I give even an inch then it will take a mile in my mind.
Yet even when the fear subsides, the aching pain in my heart remains...
My best friend is going away. ..my encourager, my lover, my protector, my friend, my husband.

I love to hear Mark play with the kids...he tickles and wrestles and his laugh is contagious. Every night he and Benjamin go for a walk. I stand at the front doorwatching as they head down the sidewalk holding hands. Mark's tall shoulders bend towards his little son to listen, with Benjamin chatting happily, casting smiles up to his dad...
One night I went back inside only to have Isaac grab me and say "You be daddy! You tickle me!". I laughed and tickled him until he squealed. But it reminded me with a shock that in a few days I will have to be both Mom and Dad...and I know that I can't do it. I can never take their Daddy's place even for a day, let alone six or seven months...I can't fill the void his journey will leave...
And oh how I dread the tears and the anguished little cries when he goes...
Just a few nights ago, I hugged Ben and asked him how he felt about Dad's leaving soon. He said softly "Bad. I feel bad".
"What kind of bad?" I asked, dreading the answer.
"A sad kinda bad. 'Cause I am gonna miss our times together..." he paused, "and I'm afraid Daddy's gonna get killed over there...but I can't talk about that right now." He stopped abruptly...
"Because if it will make me cry, and I don't want to cry right now ."

Me either, Benjamin. They'll be time for that in two weeks.

ABC News: Chaplains Salute Each of the Fallen

2008-03-25T01:00:00.000-04:00

ABC News: Chaplains Salute Each of the Fallen

Go, therefore...

2008-03-01T13:23:00.000-05:00

Before we left Zambia almost two years ago, I began to pray for these women. I did not know them, did not even know their names (Stefani -white shirt, Melissa -brown and pink, Sharon- brown print). But God knew...
They are all wives of Officers who serve alongside Mark. During the last deployment, I invited all the wardroom wives to my home to learn more about the Bible...these gals came -and kept coming! The first night, Melissa and Stefani gave their hearts to Christ. Then Sharon came and began to grow in her faith...Together, we have studied God's Word every week for the past year.
Last weekend, Melissa and Sharon and I watched together as Stefani was baptized (and since this is California, it was in a jacuzzi!). It was a beautiful picture. Her face was radiant. My heart was filled with hope and pride...not in anything I had done, but because in Stefani's life I have seen the incredible work of the Spirit. She has embraced God's Word, grounded herself in a strong church, shared Christ with those around her faithfully and now followed her Lord in the step of faith that is baptism. I could not help but cry...with joy...with a touch of sorrow....because next week she is moving to Oregon (and later Florida). And then next month Sharon is moving to Texas. And in June, Melissa is moving to Tennessee. Such is the life of a military wife.
This week, we met for a "Going Away" celebration during our usual bible study time. We shared gifts, cards, words of encouragement and a promise to pray for one another. Stefani asked us to pray for her as she starts a bible study with friends and family members in Oregon. They have heard of her changed life and are being drawn to the things of God because of her witness.
Sharon has been a light to her family as God does his work in her. She has reached out to her daughter in law who is a troop here on base. Sharon's love and encouragement may be the thing that God uses to save her son's marriage.
And Melissa...she calls me her "spiritual mother" and it blesses me. I will never forget Melissa saying to me one day..."I am 41 years old...How I wish someone had told me about Jesus years ago!". She told me that she is "addicted" to God's Word. Her husband and mother cannot understand...but she faithfully prays and believes that one day they will. Right now, Melissa and I are studying together through Beth Moore's online study "Believing God". I marvel at Melissa's faith and her hunger for Him. She challenges me and inspires me. When she comes upon a spiritual truth that is new to her, I love that she calls to share it with me!
I will never forget these women. For all the ways that they say I have touched their lives, they can never know how they have enriched mine. It has been my privilege to share Christ with them and walk with them on this journey. And I am blessed to call them friends.
We have understood eachother in a special way, not only from being believers but also in being military wives.
But soon I will have to say Goodbye. It is bittersweet.
Just as Mark leaves for Iraq, my friends will be leaving too. "Are You sure about this, Lord?", I can't help but ask. Yet I know that His ways are not mine. And after all, He did say "Go".
So may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always my sisters...
"Remember, He Who called you is faithful..." (IThess.5:24).

My Little Super Heros

2008-01-19T22:26:00.000-05:00

I have potty trained my youngest child. It is a giddy feeling. No more diaper bags to tote hither and fro. Instead we have a drawer full of new, size 3, little boy underwear. I love them! ...decorated all over with super heros, or scooby doo or (his favorite) Thomas the Tank Engines. So now we have two boys running through the house after bathtime shaking their super hero briefs and showing off their latest karate moves.
Truly, my boys' imaginations know no bounds and neither do their energy levels.
I told Mark at the end of one particularly exhausting day: "Raising boys is HARD!"
They are so physical. All day long they are pulling me, crashing into me, running from me, climbing on me and asking me questions...
"Momma, can you come see...?"
"Momma, what is...?"
"Momma, why do...?"
"Momma, how does...?"
"Momma, can I...?
"Momma, watch this!"
The latter is usually uttered by Benjamin just before he displays a set of super-duper-never-seen-before-wild-arm and leg slinging-karate moves meant to dispatch bad guys. After he finishes the exhibition, Benjamin waits breathlessly for my applause. At the same time his little brother is trying to imitate him and ends up in a tangled heap on the floor. I stifle my giggles and give a very solemn nod of approval followed by profuse hand clapping. Then I scoop Isaac off the floor and smother him with kisses until we are both laughing. Ben is duly affirmed and bounces off to choreograph more super moves.

Yes, boys are exhausting...and exhilerating...and amazing! What would I do withouth them? It seems that the Lord has orchestrated this very interesting stage to coincide with a time in my life when my attention most needs to be diverted. Keeping my mind on my little boys keeps me from ruminating over the whereabouts of my BIG boy (Mark), which will all-too-soon be Iraq.
The very bad thing is that when Mark leaves I have to be all things to everyone. And while I feel pretty confident with the Mom thing, I am a very poor Daddy.
The girls and I miss Mark when he is gone. But the boys lose a little sparkle...During Mark's last deployment, Benjamin did not smile. And oh, how I missed his smile! Now Isaac is old enough to really feel it too. They will both miss the tickles, the wrestling, and the games of hide and seek where Mark will hide somewhere in the house then jump out and scare them til they are a mess of screams and giggles. They love it and beg for him to "Go hide, Daddy!".
But I am not so good at these things, and Ben will say with a sigh "Mom, you just aren't a good wrestler like Daddy". (Only he will pronounce it "westhler" because his front tooth is missing:>)
I know it is true. I am not wild and loud and strong and crazy with these boys like their Daddy is. Boys need that...just as much as they need their Momma's cuddles and kisses, hugs and handholding.
Sigh...
Well, Lord, YOU will have to fill the void when he leaves again. And give me the energy to keep up with these little guys!
Oh how I need them...

Goodbye 2007, Hello 2008!

2008-01-02T19:50:00.000-05:00

Our family wrapped up the year 2007 by trying our hand at "geocaching". You can see the pics to the left. We probably chose too difficult of a cache for our first one. But the kids were troopers! We hiked about 3/4 the way up the "chumash elevator". It is a very steep trail right off the Pacific Coast Highway across from the SeaBee firing range. At the end of the day we decided that we really need a hand-held GPS (the portable auto-navigator we got for Christmas is good for helping Mark find road directions but doesn't do the trick with geocaching).

LOOKING BACK...
A lot to be thankful for in 2007. Topping my list is the absence of back pain!-YAY! Yes, when I overdo it I still pay the piper. But on a daily basis I feel great, which says alot when late in 2007 I was feeling pain every day and my doctor was recommending surgery. I now praise God often for the gift of health and mobility.
If you are reading this blog looking for a family update...
Mark is home until April when he deploys again, this time to Iraq until November. So we are treasuring every day. We are planning a vacation to Palm Desert with our missionary friends from Zambia -Wes and Laurie Wilcox this month. They have graciously invited us along on their R&R .\
Until then, Homeschool is back in session and the kids are right on track. Katie is actually enjoying reading now, and I am more convinced than ever that homeschooling her is the best thing we can do. All the kids are enrolled in a homeschool co-op that meets two to three times a month. This gives them a chance to be with other kids and learn from someone besides "Mrs Twinkles".
Isaac is now officially potty trained!!!YAYAYAY (you have to be a Mom to fully appreciate this piece of news).
Mark just sent in his request for our next duty station (he is required to do this about 12 months prior). So we are once again asking the Lord to send us where He wants us to be.
"...and pray for us too that God may open a door for our message..." (Col.4:3). It takes the fear out of the future when we remember that God always has us right where He wants us -even in Iraq, California, whereever...as long as we are asking for His will to be done and we are willing to obey Him when He calls.
Its hard for us to believe that we have been away from Zambia for almost two years now....sometimes we wonder if that ache will ever go away, if we will ever NOT be homesick for Africa.
But we thank God for the military ministry He has entrusted to us. We have really been stretched this past year and blessed. Now 2008 offers its own set of challenges. Will you pray for and with us regarding the following:

Protection for Mark while he is deployed.
A good adjustment for our family to another deployment.
Wisdom and guidance for the Detailer who places us in our next duty station.
Ministry materials for Mark's troops - he has no budget for bibles, care kits,etc so we pay for these ourselves.
A restful, refreshing vacation
Continued daily wisdom and guidance for Mark as he counsels troops and their families, that he will stay close in God's Word and prayer.
Thank you!
May your new year be truly blessed!

Merry Christmas from us to YOU!

2007-12-17T00:12:00.000-05:00

You'll have to ignore the digital cameral dates on these pics. They were actually all taken in the months of November and December.

We want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. May the joy of the Lord be yours.
Love,
Mark, Stacey. Grace, Katie, Benjamin and Isaac Conard

Our Fantastic Four!

2007-10-28T23:28:00.000-04:00

We all get ready for Halloween and Thanksgiving, and Mark is headed for Field Training Exercises up North.
Above from left is Benjamin (5), Isaac (3), Katie (9), and Grace (10).

2007-10-28T23:25:00.000-04:00

2007-10-28T23:24:00.001-04:00

2007-10-28T23:24:00.000-04:00

From the desk of Mrs. Twinkles...

2007-10-22T01:27:00.000-04:00

Ok, I am Mrs. Twinkles. That is my homeschool pseudonym. I've been donning my apron and oversized glasses since Grace was in Kindergarten. The girls think it is great fun to be greeted by their quirky teacher each morning, and now the boys giggle about it too. Of course they forget and ask "Mom" for help sometimes. Thats when Mrs. Twinkles has to gently remind them that "Mom" has stepped out.
Its not easy wearing two hats, or aprons for that matter. Having Mrs. Twinkles helps me to infuse fun into the school teacher mode. But the reality is that I never stop being Mom. Mom is never truly "out" or "taking a break". Mrs. Twinkles gets to pull off the apron and lay aside the glasses, then she disappears. But Mom is on duty 24/7.
I take this task of homeschooling very seriously. It requires a lot of discipline on my part and cooperation from the kids. At the same time, Mark has to be 100% supportive (which he is). Recently, I did some research on homeschooling in preparation for a graduate paper I was writing. It was very enlightening and at the same time challenging. The title of my paper was Homeschooling the child with a nonverbal learning disorder. I found that not much has been written on that exact topic, but plenty has been written about homeschooling. I was intrigued by the research and then bemused by the diverse opinions expressed -both for and against the practice of homeschooling. It really caused me to examine my own views and ask (again) Why are we doing it? Why don't we put our children in public schools and let trained professionals teach them? Are they missing out on important socialization and educational opportunities? Wouldn't it be great (for me) to have some free time during the day?!
I was forced to take a long look at my children, our schooling program, and the pros and cons of the whole investment...And I decided........ that I wouldn't change a thing!
This research has made it very clear to me that we are doing the very best thing for our daughter with NVLD. But I am also convinced that it is the best thing for the other three as well. I am not a crusader against public schools. I have a great respect and appreciation for public school teachers. But I know that no one can give my children the individual attention that I can afford to give them. Yes, it has always been a challenge with a baby in arms or a toddler underfoot. Yet, even in the trying moments when everyone is clamoring for my attention, it gives all of us an opportunity to learn a lesson in patience, cooperation, and selflessness. I love the fact that all day long I have the privilege of spending time with my children, serving them, and influencing them. It is a huge challenge, an incredible responsibility, and one that I choose not to abrogate to someone else. Yes, I enjoy being the one they confide in, the one who answers their weighty life questions and shares their every little joy. I like the fact that we are learning together. We are making discoveries and laughing and ooing and awing together. I like how they crowd around (even the three year old) to listen to me read aloud a good book like Across Five Aprils or Caddie Woodlawn. Then we talk about it together. It thrills me when they get excited about science projects on the patio or cooking class in the kitchen. I love how homeschooling gives them practical life skills and provides so much opportunity for spiritual training as well. We talk about God in every aspect of life. And no one can tell us NO, YOU CANT. We are free. And freedom is precious. It is something to be held in awe and esteem...to be revered. But it is also something to be handled and tasted and touched and smelled, not to be rested on a shelf and visited in books or talked about in the ideal. I think that homeschooling is one of our ultimate freedoms here in the US. Our children are learning about that and about many other things that I'm afraid public school cannot teach them. Yes, I do long for my children to be bright and knowledgeable. But most of all, I long for them to be Godly and compassionate, wise and courageous. I want them to be brave enough to think outside the box of tradition and convention when its the right thing to do. And I want to enjoy every precious moment with them that I can....with a little help from Mrs. Twinkles!

Fast Moving Train...the Battalion Chaplain

2007-08-27T19:50:00.000-04:00

Interesting title, huh?
That's him over on the left...LT Mark E. Conard USN,CHC... Chaplain to about 700 troops. Someone told me a Battalion Chaplain is like a fast moving train, moving in a whirlwind of activity and urgency most of the time. Can't believe I got him to stand still long enough to take this picture!
He's a busy guy, alright. But he is so GREAT at what he does.
Recently I counseled with one of the female troops and got a little taste of what he does every single day. And I honestly don't know how he does it - by the grace of God, he would say.
He patiently and thoughtfully listens to everyone who comes in his office (or meets him in the hall, or on the grinder, or outside on the way to lunch, or well, you get the picture). He is on call 24-7. It isn't his duty to berate them or moralize or judge. But to listen and, God willing, recognize the opportunities to speak truth into their lives in a loving and winsome way. Sometimes he has to be kind but firm. And the decisions he sees some of these young kids make are heart-breaking. But his door stays open and it allows them to come back later and cry on his shoulder. And sometimes the light breaks thru and someone embraces the Good News he shares. I always know what happened when he comes home with a big grin on his face!
And then he tries to mentor them and disciple them with bible studies, prayer and accountability.
But those particular things are often done amidst the whirlwind...
a whirlwind of hospital visits, threatened suicides, Red Cross messages, and the dreaded KEKO duty -telling the family when a troop has died, and any number of daily urgent needs.
And on top of all that, he manages to keep us, his family, feeling loved and special.
Yes, there are times I have to jump on board and hang on for dear life and then tuck and roll when its time to get off! But for the most part, I am really enjoying sharing this ride.
And just in case I don't express it enough: "Mark Conard, I believe in you. You are a terrific officer, an incredible Chaplain, a super Dad, and my Beloved...I know why we are here. Thank you for modeling faithfulness, integrity, honor and sincerity to me and our children. We love you!"

Rancho Oso here we come!

2007-07-14T17:14:00.000-04:00

This is a quick picture made on the first day of our stay at Rancho Oso. The buildings behind the kids are western style cabins -pretty simpl:, a full bed, bunk beds, a small fridge, table, chair, and a fan. The ranch lies in the San Ynez river valley in the heart of the Los Padres National Forest in a place called Paradise. And it is aptly named. This is an amazingly beautiful place. There is very little rainfall and the "river" is really more of a dried up, rocky riverbed. But the mountains rise up from the valley like sentennels, straight and imposing...majestic. Despite the lack of moisture, there are many trees and,according to the local people, plenty of bobcat and mountain lion in the forests. The horses grazing in the Rancho Oso pastures make a vivid picture against this backdrop. I long to just sit back under a tree and enjoy the view.
But the kids have other plans (of course!). the first thing they want to do is try out the swimming pool. Later we explore the ranch. That night we drive out to the Paradise Store(a local hangout) for some BBQ. But when we get there, Marks goes inside and discovers that the Hells Angels are kicking back for some fun. We decide it may not be family friendly, so we go back to the Ranch and heat up the brai for dinner. Later that night after a hot game of UNO, with the kiddos all tucked into bed, Mark and I sat outside under the stars sipping our hot chocolate (oh, for some MILO!). Our conversation soon turns to Zambia...wishing Daren and Shawna, Micah, Meredith and Peyton were here to share this night with us...look at the sky, black and brilliant...if we are very still we can almost imagine it is Africa...ok, we make ourselves stop imagining and go to bed.
The next couple of days are a fun, exhausting mix of breathtaking horseback rides (the scenery!), hikes (the kids were disappointed that the waterfall they hiked to see was so small -we forgot that their idea of a waterfall is VICTORIA FALLS!), more swimming, and yes, finally a chance to sit back and enjoy the scenery while the kids climb the trees and play in the covered wagons. Our neighbors in the cabin next door are complaining about the flies! We dont mind. And I've decided I really like this type of "camping" - refrigerators, electricity, BEDS -even a nice restroom/shower a few yards away. Wow! Beats a tent...Our last night includes a marshmallow roast and a JIM THE GIANT story (thanks to Dad) by the fire.
Then the kids are in bed and we are alone, but this time Mark and I spend time reflecting on where we are and where we are going, our hopes and dreams for now and the future. We are thankful for this time together, having so recently been apart...it makes it sweeter to us, I think. I have noticed how Mark spends every minute with the kids as if its his last one. He leaves nothing undone, nothing unsaid...We have eight more precious months. But the time has wings and will be gone before we know it. So we just embrace this opportunity. Like Mark says, every day we are making memories to sustain us when we have to be apart again.

The next day, we are all a little sad to leave. We get a reprieve from our disappointment however, in a frantic search for Mark's wallet. Which, of course, happens to be in the dirty clothes in the very back of the car carrier on top of the van (which is already packed and locked). After we locate the wallet and find that we have missed out on the fresh baked cinnamon rolls at the chuck wagon, we head out the gate - only to discover that we forgot to turn in the cabin key! So we drive back to the cabin and I run in to get the key. Lo and Behold what do I see hanging on a nail but Marks' key ring with all of his work keys on it! I hand them over with a grin. He is mortified. And we go turn in our cabin key.
Then, finally, back down the mountains we head, along the coast, and then - HOME SWEET HOME!

...that I may know Him

2007-07-10T10:40:00.000-04:00

This morning I was listening to my favorite bible teacher on the internet (aaah the wonders of broadband!) and followed her lead to look up Philippians 3:10 in the amplified version. It begins like this...
"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly...".
And then the teacher said this: "We can live with all manner of tribulation, pain, and suffering. But we cannot live without purpose...We were created by God to be a people of purpose...without it we suffer from discontent." She went on to add: "When we become totally focused on the one thing of knowing Christ - in whatever we go through and whatever we do -then our purpose in life becomes effective."
This truth was really driven home to me recently.
Two of the young women I disciple met with me a couple of weeks ago to complete the last chapter of our study through Pastor Rick Warren's book "The Purpose Driven Life". As we closed the book, one of the gals commented on how her life had changed since she came to know Christ. She went on to say that she is now getting an understanding that God has a special plan for her. And then she asked this question "What made you do it...send out that email to all the officer's wives inviting us to bible study? Were you disappointed when only two of us showed up that first night?". I smiled at that because it NEVER crossed my mind to be disappointed in the turnout..."Well," I began "it all started in Zambia...." then I went on to explain how God began to call Mark and me away from our work in Zambia to come back into the military. And how,at first, I did NOT want to do it. But God is very persuasive. And after a while I relented because I knew He was in it. And so then I began to pray very earnestly that since He was SET on MArk being a Chaplain, then there must be some wives I could minister to. So before we even left Zambia I began to pray for them. And I clearly recalled my friend Dorothy praying with me also. She prayed specifically for the women He might allow me to share the Gospel with and disciple. So then after we got here I just kept on praying. But I knew I needed to wait for His timing. After our husbands all left on deployment my sister was here visiting, and she began to pray with me. And we were specifically praying for these two ladies -Melissa and Stefani. One day another wife casually asked me if I'd thought of teaching a bible study. This was my cue. So I sent an invitation to all the wives in our wardroom (about 10 people I think). And on the first night two of them came -Stefani and Melissa. So was I disappointed? No way! I was thrilled. And I was even more excited when they gave their hearts to Christ that very same night.
I went on to answer Melissa's question by explaining that God's purpose for me, no matter where I am, is to tell others about Christ and teach them to follow Him. Even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I felt encouraged by them...it was true, and it was a powerful truth! How often I am guilty of forgetting! In the midst of dirty dishes, piles of laundry, math work to grade...I forget...I lose sight of my purpose...I feel alone, unimportant, discouraged...
And then He prompts a simple question to remind me.
Hearing myself speak about God's purpose was like kindling the fire inside of me. And it did something for them too. Their eyes lit up. They began to talk excitely about sharing their faith with others...where would our next duty stations take us?...one of us could be in Hawaii sharing Christ, another in Italy, another in Newport Beach...we tell others and teach them and then they tell others and on and on....
I think I will always remember that moment, sitting at the base restaurant in a back booth sipping our coffee and feeling the joy together of knowing Christ...my determined purpose...
Thank You, Lord, for reminding me.

He's Back!

2007-06-18T18:01:00.000-04:00

Mark's plane flew in from Japan two weeks ago, and I guess everyone who knew me could tell that he was home. A friend saw me at church and said "Your husband must be home!". I asked how she knew and she said she could just tell by my face. I knew what she meant. I remember last year when we first got to this duty station and I met a wife whose husband was deployed. I could tell by her face. It wasn't that she was depressed...it was just that her countenance was a little downcast. And when her hubby returned, her eyes just lit up. I felt the same way. These last six months, I used to look in the mirror and feel a little sorry for that sad face that kept staring back at me.
Of course its generally true that absense DOES tend to make the heart grow fonder...but there is also that inevitable re-adjustment when the absense is over. We are definitely doing our share of re-adjusting. It started on day ONE when the Chaplain broke his own rule (the one he drilled into the minds of his troops during countless de-briefings before they came home), namely, DONT COME HOME AND TRY TO TAKE OVER! He urged them to gently ease themselves back into the family scene. He broke this one when he walked in the door and within two minutes he looked around and said "Don't worry honey, I know you couldn't do much with the four kids to take care of. I'll get right on it and have this house in top shape in no time!"
I almost shipped him back to Japan.
But after a profuse apology and repeated assurances that the house actually looked JUST FINE, we started over again, and I decided to keep him.:>

2007-06-18T17:38:00.000-04:00

2007-06-18T17:37:00.000-04:00

2007-06-18T17:36:00.000-04:00

2007-06-18T17:32:00.000-04:00

2007-05-19T16:58:00.001-04:00

American Armed Forces Kids Run!

2007-05-19T16:58:00.000-04:00

The day dawned dreary and gray. There was an ocean mist hanging in the air. But it did not dampen the kids spirits one bit. They popped out of bed this morning ready to hit the track. It was the day they've been waiting for : the Armed Forces Kids Run!
We got there early (anxious with anticipation) to register each one in their age group. Ben to run the 1/2 mile, katie the mile and Grace the whopping two mile race. No group for twos so Isaac was sidelined with Mom and Digger to do the cheering. (Digger is our dog -he came along as team mascot). Each age group was staggered on the track and then the whistle blew!
Benjamin never stopped. He was a bit surprised after the first lap to find that he still had another one to go, but he just ducked his head and kept going. He finished second to Suzie Speedy in his age group. Yay Ben!
Katie put her new sneakers to the test and burned up the track from the start. But even better than speed was her dogged determination not to quit (greatly admired by Digger and myself). She came in third in her age group. Way to go, Katie!
Finally, Grace set sail. She whizzed thru the first two laps then settled into a nice jog. Though tempted to stop a few times, she never did. Just walked a bit and then kept jogging. She even had enough steam left to finish strong. The competitive edge not as ingrained in her as in her namesake, Stephanie Grace refused to out-run the little girl struggling beside her at the end, but waited patiently for her friend to catch up so they could run across the finish line together!
I thought my heart would burst with pride! Yes, they ran strong, and I was proud of that...my little budding track team...But I was even more proud of their perseverance and determination. And finally, I was humbled by their good-sportsmanship and great attitudes. No one was disappointed not to get an award. They happily left the races to go cheer eachother on the obstacle course and hop in the sack race. Isaac even found his niche crawling under obstacles and joining in the tug of war!
It was such a fun day! My only sadness was that Mark could not be here to share it with us. He would have cheered the loudest of any Dad. But they have made us proud today...and thankful.

Happy Mothers Day to Me!!

2007-05-14T01:22:00.000-04:00

I have been dreading Mothers Day. I admit it. I have pouted all week. I even went out and bought myself a too-expensive rose bush as a present because I knew that (poor me) the kids wouldn't be able to get me anything.
Yesterday I got a card from Mark in Japan. In it he wrote: "Stacey, you are a mother of mothers. Happy Mothers Day!". This from a man who is writing two novels simultaneously and has never been known to be at a loss for words! This morning when he called, I could not help but giggle about the card. He sheepishly explained that he was in a hurry to get it in the mail.
At church this morning, out Pastor's sermon was about being "underappreciated" (1 Sam.23). In it, he relayed David's experience of being unappreciated by those people he helped and those in whose land he was trying to find refuge as King Saul sought to kill him. The pastor explained that, just in time,God sent an encourager to remind David of God's faithfulness. Jonathan, David's best friend, came to cheer him on. As I listend to the sermon it did not take too long for the Lord to convict me of my self-centeredness this week. Good grief! There are plenty of people who are in need of a little encouragement! And I have been so busy throwing a pity party that I've forgotten...
Forgotten that cheering someone else on would make my own race a little easier to run....
This afternnoon I had a chance to do some cheering. And it felt great!
I heated up the grill for hotdogs and hamburgers and the other "single moms" in the wardroom came over with their children and a dish to share. Before we knew it, we had a table covered with food. And it wasnt long before everyone forgot (at least for a while) the heavy loads we bear.
The three gals from my bible study were here. One of them mentioned how our weekly times together had really helped her get through this deployment. We all nodded in agreement. Its true. And those bible study nights have spilled over into coffee dates and family movie nights and, like today, holiday celebrations. I praise God for that! Just when we most needed it, God has brought us as encouragers to one another.
I'm sorry that I wasted time this week in self-pity. All along, God knew what a perfect Mothers Day He had planned for me!

Isaac

2007-05-11T18:42:00.000-04:00

Ben and PoPop

2007-05-11T18:41:00.000-04:00

Katie

2007-05-11T18:40:00.000-04:00

2007-05-11T18:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Papaw...

2007-04-16T10:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Papaw,
I love this picture of you. I took it this past Christmas, remember? You were laughing at the great-grandkids playing on the floor at your feet. I think they were playing their pretend "aminals"game (as Ben calls it). And you were chuckling and sneaking them dollar bills when they came over for hugs. After dinner you even treated them to a short chorus of "Old Dan Tucker". It was such a hit that we're still singing that around my house these days! Makes me remember when I was one of those little kids playing at your feet...
Oh how Kim and Stephi and I loved to come "over to the country" to be with you and Nannie! We would beg Mom to bring us. I loved curling up in bed with those old goose down pillows, listening to the fire crack and pop in the dark, and drifting off to sleep as Nannie sat up and read her "papers" or a good book. In the night, I would hear you getting up to stoke the fire with more wood. Then in the morning we always woke to the smell of sausage, eggs, biscuits and gravy. And on Saturday mornings we got the treat of watching Luney Toons. My kids love that show, Papaw. And that dumb coyote still hasnt caught the Roadrunner...
Days spent with you and Nannie were a kids dream...always a new adventure or some exciting plan, and you were never too tired or busy to accomodate us. You let us jump right in, whether it was tying tobacco, bailing hay, planting a garden or feeding the cows. And when you noticed one of us had a special interest, there was no stopping you from encouraging it. Whether it was Kim with a motorcylce, Stephi with a fishing pole or me with a horse...you had us all believing we were the best and that we could do anything we put our minds to. It never phased you one bit to be surrounded by a bunch of little girls. And I was never so happy as when I could solicite your praise -which probably wasnt too tough because you and Nannie are quite liberal with it in regards to your grandkids! But your praise and high remarks simply set a standard that we all hoped to live up to. We wanted to be in truth those kids you said we were - good girls who helped their Momma, ate everything on their plate, tough as nails, smart as whips...And you always managed to make every single one of your grandchildren feel that way. You spent time with us. You believed in us.
Even when our world rocked and shook, when things looked uncertain from other angles, you and Nannie were there. Your home was always our home. You held things steady for us.
When I was in college, I wrote that poem about you. One of the lines said "Leathery hands, holding time still, So that I...can keep up with the changes". Well, Papaw, there have been a million changes in my life since then. Lots of twists and turns in the road. I still think of your strong hands...work calloused and brown from the sun...holding onto the back of a little girls old purple bike. I hear your voice behind me saying "Don't worry. I'm right here." as you ran to keep up. Then suddenly I was riding all by myself. But you were behind me cheering me on "Keep peddling! Don't look back..."
I love you Papaw. Thank you.

Semper Fi, sis!

2007-04-04T11:44:00.000-04:00

God never stops amazing me. He never stops awing me with His extraordinary love. I cannot remember a time in my years as a Believer when I have needed a gift of encouragement that He has not delivered...and often in the most impressive and unexplainable ways.
Stephi (my twin sister -thats her in the pink, me in blue) and her two children just left after a two month visit. Now most people would roll over and die if a relative came and stayed for two months. But Stephi is more than a relative and her children are more to me than someone else's kids. In Zambian culture, they would be considered my own children -ever as much as their birth mother's. And truly, they are the son and daughter of my heart if not my body. And Stephi, well...my kindred spirit, my greatest encourager...and being a fellow Believer makes our relationship all the more close and precious.
Thats why I was so happy when she came out to stay. It was another one of those big gifts from God, when I most needed it. In the middle of Mark's deployment, it was as if the Lord said "Here, let me ease the burden a while. Let me lift your spirits and send someone to share the load." And He did. Within a few days, we were working together like a well oiled machine. Two Moms...our kids couldn't get away with anything! And what was better -we did everything alike. So there were no squabbles about child-rearing, household rules, even what meals to cook or how to sort the laundry. And both being female, we were able to use most of our 25,000 words a day on eachother! (ok, studies show that women need to use up that many words a day to satisfy their craving for communication -my husband can vouch that its true!)
Homeschooling was enriched as we took all six kids on field trips - things I wouldn't have done alone. And Stephanie being Stephanie she was out and about making friends as soon as she set foot on the base. Of course she left a lot of people pretty confused...they probably think I have a split personality now.
The most precious thing...our prayer times together...and times when we would just sit in the stillness of the morning, before the kids were awake, and read our bibles quietly together. Until one of us had to speak (those 25,000 words a day, you know!) and we could share from the heart what God was teaching us and what He was doing in our lives.
Having Stephi here made the last two months more than bearable, they were good. So when we got the news that her husband (also Mark -I know I know!) got orders to go with a Marine Corp unit in Japan (he's also a military Chaplain now, just finishing his training)...well, it was bittersweet for me. Somehow I harbored a hope that they would get somewhere close to us here on the west coast -maybe Pendelton or San Diego. But it was not the best. Japan is the best. I know that because I know that my God is good. So I will not question it. I know that God has a gift in it for Stephi.
So she and the kids left yesterday. Gone to pack their household goods, wait for Mark to finish training, and fly to Japan. Now I could cry about this ,and I am a little (a lot)sad, and bemoan the reality that I won't see her again for a long time. Or I can embrace the truth that God has given me a gift when I most needed it...because He loves me.
And who knows, maybe one day the guys will be on the same deployment cycle and we'll do it again...

"You thrill me, Lord, with all You have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done." Psalm 92:4

Surrender

2007-03-27T09:38:00.000-04:00

Spiritually, I feel like Jacob must have felt when he wrestled with God. I'm beat.

These last few months have been a mental and emotional wrestling match between me and the Lord. And guess who won?
I have strained my heart and mind looking back, unable to move past the grief of leaving Zambia. Last week after a phone call with a dear friend there, I found myself weeping bitterly and scribbling the incriminating but heartfelt "Why!!!? Lord!" in my journal. With all of my aching soul I wanted to be back there. Not to the no-water, no-electricity moments, necessarily, but to the Zambian people and my missionary family who I love and miss so dearly. And also...I wanted to be back there with Mark. Where our days (and nights) and our work were spent together, hand in hand. My longing for Africa and my longing for him had become entwined.
Somehow I felt that our work as missionaries was...well, a fine thing. Something honorable and beautiful in the daily self-sacrifice of it. And I couldn't convey that to what I am living now. I just felt alone and homesick.
Then one day I looked beside me in church and felt a little tingle because there sat two of the officers' wives who I had invited to come. And they kept coming. And they liked it!
And not long after that one of them actually turned to me after the service and said something like "Hey, Stacey, would you want to lead a bible study for us at your house?". Gee, let me think about it...
The next week I sat in my living room and shared my story of becoming a Christian with two of the wives. They decided to follow Him. Now there are four of us and we meet every week for two hours. We are studying Rick Warren's book The Purpose Driven Life and for the first time they are considering what it means to let God have control. And though I have been a Believer now for about 15 years, I am learning again what SURRENDER really means.
This morning as I read Chapter 10 in preparation for Thursdays study, I was struck with Jesus's words in Luke 9:23:
"If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want. they must be willing to give up their lives daily to follow me."
I knew what I needed to surrender. The Lord reminded me so sweetly of all He was doing around me. I thought of the three women He had given me to disciple. Each of them so hungry for His word, so eager to learn more...How often in Zambia had I prayed for an opportunity like that (and in my own language no less!)...I remembered that incriminating "Why!!?Lord!" in my journal...Oh how gentle but firm His hand!
So after praying it through I wrote in the margins "I lay down my desire to be back in Zambia, my longing for Mark to be here with me, and all my feelings of inadequacy. From this day forward, I am a slave to Jesus Christ." Then signed it.

I know this laying down our lives is a daily thing.
I will keep having to go back to it and reminding myself. But by His grace and might I will resist picking those things back up.
That doesn't mean I won't still be homesick for Zambia, or that I won't miss Mark and look hopefully for his return.
It means simply that I have surrendered. And it is a sweet relief.

Homeschool Field Trip

2007-03-17T18:53:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we packed a picnic lunch and joined some friends for a homeschool field trip to the Santa Barbara Zoo. It is a smaller zoo but there was plenty to keep the kids interested. Katie kept us all informed with a litany of facts memorized from the Animal Planet!
After the first hour, we were ready for a break. The picnic/park area was inviting. We found a shade tree with some tables underneath for our little feast. Then we wrapped up the afternoon by visiting the rest of the animals and the gift shop. You can see our picture to the left -all tuckered out but well-satisfied with out field trip!

2007-02-12T00:14:00.000-05:00

In Loving Memory of Grandpa Sutherland

2007-02-12T00:13:00.000-05:00

The picture of the guy in the Santa hat is my Dad, (otherwise known as "PopPop" to the grandkids),Mark Wilson Sutherland. Third, last and youngest son of Woodrow and Emma Sutherland.
And to three grown daughters, he is THE best Dad in the world. He is the sure thing, the go-to-guy. He is our rock, our hero, our Dad in every true meaning of the word.
But today, for a moment in time, everything solid and sure and certain for Dad came to a grinding, hurting, shuddering, stop when HIS Dad -Woodrow Wilson Sutherland-quietly and peacefully stepped out of this world and into heaven. He was ninety this year. He lived a long and good life. And in all of Dad's 50-odd years, Grandpa was constantly teaching by word and deed how to be a father, how to cherish and love your children. Dad learned that family is THE most important investment we have in this life. He learned to hug and kiss and never say "goodbye" without saying "I love you" first. He learned to be a man of his word and a keeper of his promises. He learned to work hard and faithfully. And to play often. Because teasing and playing and laughing are really loving.
Grandpa was proud of Dad -equally proud of each of his three children, and yet he made each one feel special and extraordinary. And Grandpa loved Grandma....ever as much as she adored him even as she she let him go ahead of her to heaven. They were best friends. I knew that from the beginning. They shared the same love of the outdoors, the same love of family. The same love of eachother. Seventy years together is a long time. But what makes it truly beautiful is that they only grew closer as they grew older. And despite the pain and discomfort in the end, Grandpa remained kind and gentle. And Grandma made her every act of service for him an act of love and adoration.
As Grandpa died, my sister heard my dad stand tearfully over him and say "Oh, if I could only be half the father he was..."

Well Daddy, I want you to know that you learned well from the best teacher. There are not words to say the sorrow I feel that I cannot be with you today. I want to hug you in one of our family bearhugs -the kind you used to give Grandpa years ago when he was well. I want to hug you and tell you that I love you. But most of all, I want to thank you Dad. Thank you for treasuring those lessons in your heart and living them out in your life.
You made him proud, Dad.

New reality show...maybe

2007-02-10T10:10:00.000-05:00

Recently, I read about a new tv series coming out called "Army Wives". Supposedly it is about several wives/families and their often-deployed spouses. A photo of the cast revealed three size 3 "wives" in evening gowns and stilleto heels and their "husbands" standing and sitting around them in full dress uniform- everyone looking very serious and "come hither". Its like having "Knots Landing" at Fort Bragg.
Anyway, it started me thinking what a "Navy Wives" tv series might look like. But I'm afraid I could only invision myself in it and it wasnt too glamorous! My evening gown has yet to come out of the closet (actually, its still on the rack at some store). I DID get an invite to the upcoming SeaBee Ball (missed the big Navy Ball). But since Mark is deployed I thought it would be silly to get all fixed up just to sit around with a bunch of lonely wives all night. Maybe thats a bad attitude. I doubt if they intend to sit around feeling lonely...
Maybe a mini series... it could feature the day to day life of the military wife with her husband deployed...but we would need a lot of makeup and maybe a personal trainer or two. Unless we can get an actress to play me. And I want some child-actors to play my kids. Some that wear fashionable clothes (for tv), no snotty noses (we have allergies), and dont wake their mom up at all hours of the night (because whoever is playing me needs to NOT have these bags under her eyes.). Yes, they definitely need an actress to play my part. I've seen the faces of other wives whose husbands are deployed and they just look too sad. If I look like that then no one will watch this show.
No, it shouldn't be glamorous because that would be fake. It needs to be a reality show. But they probaby should not film the wife trying to trim her own bushes with the electric trimmer (I almost cut my arm off doing that!) and I dont know about filming her carrying out the trash and recycle bins every week...that might be a bit ho-hum for the tv audience. But then so would the endless trips to the commissary. Maybe inside-the-home ...we could have a great scene doing homeschool! They can just edit out the parts where Mom starts pulling her hair out and the kids are crying. It could be really touching if they show the kids getting a Skype call from their Dad (until they start fighting over who sits in front of the camera -oh wait, I forgot! They're actors. So maybe they wont do that...). We could do a span of the inside of the house, just to give people a "feel" for a real military family home... but not until I get it cleaned up in here for goodness sake!
I don't think this tv idea is going to fly. Even I wouldn't watch it!

Thank You Lord, for Benjamin!

2007-01-24T22:23:00.000-05:00

Today Benjamin celebrated his fifth birthday (which was yesterday the 23rd but the party was today!). We turned the garage into the "Batcave" and friends came dressed as superheroes. This is me (Stacey) and Benjamin in yellow. Baby brother Isaac came as Batman jr.

2007-01-24T00:39:00.000-05:00

Before Mark left for deployment ...

The heavens tell...(Psalm 22)

2007-01-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

During our years in Zambia, my favorite time of day was the hour or so just before sunset. Shawna Davis and i used to call it the "golden hour" because at that time the sun would descend toward the horizon and, as it did,it cast a golden glow over the tall grass on the flood plains. Actually, everything seemed touched by it. It was as if the fingers of the sun were reaching out to console us or to apologize for the glaring heat during the rest of the day.
I loved this hour. And it was my favorite thing to go walking at that time. The heat was diminished and usually a gentle breeze blew. Cooking fires were being lit and women began their preparation for the evening meal. Lazy oxen yoked together ambled their way home, languidly pulling a cart over-loaded with people, cassava and bags of charcoal. The heat and strife of the day was forgotten. It was a peaceful time, as if the whole world was letting out a long sigh...I sighed with it, looking forward to the cool of the evening.
I looked forward to putting the children to bed, getting the dishes washed, and settling down on the veranda beside of Mark with a cup of hot milo. Then together we listened to the wind rustle through the guava trees, a bushbaby cry, the sudden rush of a fruit bat passing by...and quiet...We sat in silent awe of the full moon and a million stars thrown across the black velvet sky.
Together, we could face each new day. Nothing seemed too daunting, as long as I woke to his strength beside me.
And just when I had embraced Africa (and she had somewhat grudgingly accepted me), God peeled my fingers back and said "I AM your strength. Now see." And He led us away from there and all that had become familiar and comforting (in its own sense). And I said "yes", though very small and faint. And I followed Him, though I knew there would be no more "golden hour" before sunset.
My heart grieves for that time. Just as it aches over missing Mark each evening when the sun sets and not finding him beside me every day when the sun rises again. But truly the Lord proves Himself to me over and over. I will wait for Him. And one day I will embrace this place also -and it will be a place that I cannot leave, but it will be with me and inside of me. For He IS my strength...Lord, let it be so.............

My utmost...

2006-12-20T23:51:00.000-05:00

A couple of days ago, I read the daily devotional page from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost For His Highest (Dec.18th). Sometimes, I do not mind saying, Mr. Chambers is quite over my head. But this time I read and re-read until I felt I had a good understanding of his train of thought. It was along the lines of loyalty to Christ. Mr. Chambers conjectured that we SAY we believe God engineers circumstances, but in our ACTIONS we deny it. God orders our every circumstance, but how often are we disloyal to Him by failing to realize this truth until the circumstance has changed or past? Then we look back with regret, realizing that we never saw what He was after. Perhaps we were too concerned with getting the circumstance to alter -it was too pressing, too uncomfortable. And so, after a time it does. And we have missed forever God's purpose in it for us.
Chambers says: "The test of loyalty always comes just there. If we learn to worship God in the trying circumstances, He will alter them in two seconds when He chooses."
I wonder how many God-ordained circumstances I have begged away from? How often have I cried and squirmed and complained...wasting precious opportunities to show my loyalty and my steadfast faith in Him?
The very day before I read this devotion, I went to a Battalion function for family members. As the chaplains wife, I tried to visit with the wives and offer encouragement and support. From all sides, I could feel the overwhelming stress and pressure felt by these women with their spouses so recently deployed. Many are just ill-equipped to handle the day to day struggles they now face. They have no faith-compass, nothing to steady them and assure them that all will be well. They do not know the One who seeks to comfort them, the Strong Tower to run into and be sheltered from these storms. My heart was very heavy for them.
As I ministered among the wives, several inquired about meeting together for some type of Bible Study or prayer group. This was an encouraging sign. I wrote down phone numbers and gave out my number and email address. Later that night, as I recalled the events of the day, I realized that the needs were overwhelming. How could I possibly take on OTHER peoples needs -I was exhausted just trying to take care of myself and my four children! It would be so much easier and more comfortable to just take care of my own. Being somewhat of an introvert, its not much of a stretch for me to just stay home and do my own thing. But then I read the devotion for December 18th in My Utmost...and I realized that these are my circumstances...my husband is gone for six months, I am a single mom...I am tired. But God has orchestrated all of this. I have a choice to make. I can moan and complain and draw into my shell and just make it through until June, or I can step out in loyalty to Him and say "I trust You, Lord. Now use me as You will...".

2006-12-14T10:05:00.000-05:00

Mark packed up and headed out yesterday. It was every bit as hard as I thought it would be. The house seemed so still and quiet last night (after the kids were in bed of course!). I laid in the dark trying to sleep, but just thinking of all the things that I will be doing alone for the next half year. Ugh! That sounds terrible. Let's say "Six months" -sounds better.

Anyway, I do not relish single-parenting. Mark is the sun and moon around here. And when he is away, it seems like there is a cloud over everything. I just cannot make the kids laugh like he can. And Ben informed me that I cannot wrestle like Daddy either! And when he found out that Daddy would not make it back for his fifth birthday in January (the long awaited "Batman" party), he wailed with such a gut wrenching cry that it broke my heart.

Grace is full of "Why?" questions. The big ones being:Why does Daddy have to be a soldier in the Navy? and Why can't we just go back to Zambia where he can be with us all the time?
To which I initially tried giving a lengthy dissertation about the theology of God's will...but she met me with a "Lame -O" look and crossed her arms. After all, she is nine (almost ten) and she is a big girl now (as she informed me yesterday before melting into a puddle of tears). So I changed my answer and just simply pointed out that Daddy is really gifted by God at being a soldier-missionary. And he loves what he does. He doesn't want to leave us, but that is the responsibility he has now. So we need to be proud of him and support him. She seemed more satisfied with that and so was I. Before he left, Katie told me that she was happy to send Daddy out to tell the other soldiers about Jesus -but she sure would miss him. And then she cried like a baby (she's eight).
Me too.

Isaac, who is two, is the only one who was unaffected. He did not have a clue that we were saying goodbye to Daddy for many months. So he just laughed and giggled all the way home.
This morning, he met me with a little smile and crawled into my lap as usual to watch Sesame Street. We named him well..."Laughter".
I could use some of that. I think I'll go get a hug.

Here We Go Again...

2006-11-05T15:25:00.000-05:00

I can hardly believe we are doing this again...ten years and four kids later and Mark is leaving on another military deployment! I had forgotten that sickening feeling of dread. But here it is again, settling over us like a heavy fog.
One month until he ships out. This time as an officer, so life will be a little better for him. This past week we packed three trunks and sent them ahead. As we vacuum-sucked and sealed the bags to make every bit of space count, I could feel a big knot growing in my chest. After the last trunk, we sat down together and I had a good cry. I didnt mean to cry yet, but it just came out.
Then I tried to get myself together and look "normal" so as not to scare the children.

The Base Ombundsman gave me a nifty little DVD by the Sesame Street gang. Its for children of deploying military members. I havent played it yet -though I have heard its pretty good. Its just hard for me to believe that Elmo could possibly have anything comforting to say to a four year old little boy who's Daddy is leaving him for six months (at least) - right before his birthday. Or, what soothing phrase can Cookie Monster utter to my 8 and 9 year old girls if Dad ends up in Afghanistan or Iraq. I know, I know, I should at least watch it first. Maybe Big Bird can't comfort the rest of us -but the two year old might go for it...

Personally, I am holding out for the "grace upon grace" that comes right in the nick of time. I know from experience that God's grace and peace will not come a minute too late. When I am at my lowest, He will be there. When I think I cannot make another day alone, His presence will steady me and strengthen me. Similarly, I also know that for now I will have to feel the dread. I will have to name my fears and take them to Him in prayer. He WILL let me grieve over Mark leaving and feel the sadness along with the children. And Mark will also have to grieve for the months he will miss with us. These next four weeks will be pretty miserable around the Conard household as we all come to terms with this upcoming separation. It is just part of the process of deployment. So pray for us, if you are reading this blog. And pray for me as I "single-mom" it for six or seven months...

Those "Terrible Twos"

2006-10-15T00:32:00.000-04:00

I think Isaac, our just-turned-two year old, has really come into his own this week. He is truly living up to the infamous stereotype of the "terrible twos". Yesterday, I spent two hours ironing each page of my warthog-skinned bible, which he had decided to baptize in the tub. Yeah, the one I got re-covered in Zimbabwe a few years ago. After the dunk, I let it air dry for days then tried blow-drying with a hairdryer. This gave somewhat satisfactory results except for the wrinkles which made the whole thing swell up like a Strongs Concordance. Thus ironing the pages -works fine on medium heat. I am still not finished, but I'm in the Psalms. It almost looks as good as new. Sigh...
Isaac not only likes to throw things in the tub, he also likes markers. Purple is his favorite color, which is why our beige recliner has a beautiful purple rainbow across the front. AND he has a penchant for face painting. I found him sitting nicely on the living room floor with Benjamin watching Sesame Street yesterday morning. For a brief moment of euphoria, I basked in the glow of their quiet little brotherhood...until Isaac turned to me and grinned -with my new merlot- red lipstick painted on both cheeks, his nose and (of course) his lips. I gasped, speechless. Then ran for the bathroom where I found the said lipstick smeared far and wide.
After Sesame Street a parenting channel came on. While scrubbing the lipstick off of Isaac, cleaning up spilled apple juice and crawling on all-fours searching in vain for the purple marker top, I listened to the speaker proliferate on the importance of playing with, reading to, and interrelating with your two year old.
Gee, I'd love to.
Later, I took Isaac with me to do grocery shopping at the commissary. He climbed happily into the front of the cart then waited patiently for me to buckle him in. As we wheeled thru the parking lot to the store, Isaac threw his head back and smiled up at me - those big, beautiful, brown eyes sparkling. My heart was his.
Suddenly it hit me that in a very short time he would be too big to sit in the front of the grocery cart. There would be no more toddlers for me to mommy! No more sticky hands and snotty noses! No more Elmo! No more Thomas Tank Engine! I could hardly stand the thought.
I leaned over and gave my little buddy a hug. He smiled again and thru his arms around my neck. And when we got home...
I stretched out on the floor and read him a book.

Stand Still and Know...

2006-09-27T17:23:00.000-04:00

One of the beautiful traditions of the Navy is the sounding of "Colors" when the flag is being hoisted in the morning and again at sunset when it is being lowered. As dictated by tradition (and respect), individuals must stand at attention or, if they are driving a vehicle on base, they must pull to the side and stop until the anthem is finished.
A few days ago, I drove onto base just as Colors began to sound. I pulled quickly to the side and stopped to listen. And watch. All around, cars that had been humming along busily to work were silenced. Men and women in uniform were still,standing tall and proud. Everything was quiet except for the beautiful sound of "Colors"...
I felt an overwhelming sense of pride...and sadness. I love my country. I love the brave soldiers who serve her now and have served before. I wish that "Colors" could be sounded everywhere in this country, not just on the military installations. I wish that every American would stand still, by choice, when the flag was raised and lowered. And that they would listen with respect, thinking for a moment each day of those who are fighting and have fought in the past.
And as I pondered this while the last haunting sounds of "Colors" faded away, I thought of Psalm 46:10 where we are commanded to "Be still and know that I am God."
What if we were all forced to "Be still and know"? To know GOD! What an incredible feeling that would be. It makes me wish that God would hoist up a flag and play His own version of Holy Colors to call us all to attention! And one day He's going to do just that. But instead of standing, we will all be flat on our faces in awe and reverence.
In the meantime, now whenever I hear "Colors", I stand still and think of Jesus who is Lord of Lord and King of Kings. I say a prayer of thanks for my country and for our servicemen and women. And then I just enjoy the moment.

We're not in Kansas, Toto...

2006-09-13T14:21:00.000-04:00

I once read that finding out your child has a serious disability is like planning for a great vacation to Italy, reading all the tour guides, buying the tickets...then landing in Holland. Holland is nice. But all your friends are going to Italy. You always wanted to go to Italy. But now you are in Holland. And there are no flights to Italy.
So what do you do?
You buy a tour guide to Holland and start enjoying the tulips and the windmills. No, its not as flashy as Italy. But Holland is it's own special place.

I found real comfort in this analogy when we found out that our second daughter has serious learning disabilities. I kept reminding myself that Holland is GOOD. Holland is special -and so is Katie. Katie is going to be ok.

Then recently, I noticed the tell-tale signs of a dorsal fin in our peaceful little stream.
Another writer says that for parents who have dealt with it before,seeing the first familiar signs of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) again is like sighting a shark. You see the telltale fin cutting thru the surface and you panic.
Thats how I felt recently when I heard bathroom water running 20 times a day and noticed our son Benjamin's red, chapped hands. His older sister (our firstborn) was diagnosed with OCD two years ago. It was a nightmare ...starting with the handwashing. As days have gone by, Mark and I have tried (with little success) to use similar cognitive therapy tricks on Benjamin that helped Grace. But as any parent who has experienced OCD, I know this will get worse before it gets better. Every day is a new compulsion. The "obsession" is that his hands feel "sticky". Only washing makes them clean. Thats the "compulsion" (for you amateurs). Often,he even wants to wash his feet ("to make sure"). This week, we even notice he is holding his hands out, afraid to touch doorknobs...or even hold his Mommy's hand.
Thats when I get angry. And sad. But mostly mad. Because I hate this thing. It has a life of its own. I know its just a "brain glitch". But you can't reason with it. You can't cajole it. You can't love it away. And when your son won't even hold your hand, you can't even cuddle it away. I hate OCD.
And even though Grace is so much better, I hate that it is still part of her life. She is great about asking for help to "talk back" to it, to resist the compulsions. And now she is even trying to help Benjamin. I heard her tell him at breakfast yesterday "Don't let it bully you, Ben! Its not real -your hands aren't sticky. Its just that bad feeling in your brain trying to trick you!".
With Katie's disability, I could believe about Holland.
With OCD, its like planning a trip to Italy and winding up in Calcutta. There are no tulips and windmills in Calcutta.

Kindness Is The Rule

2006-09-01T16:18:00.000-04:00

Recently it came to my attention (with a little help from my husband!), that my tone was hurtful. He reminded me that even though my words were not harsh, my tone was. And we both sensed our children emulating what they heard from me...ouch!
So, I spent a day listening to myself. He was right. I didn't have to use ugly words. Just the edge in my voice, the certain emphasis on a word, and of course the volume...each of those things could express what I was really feeling. The meaning BEHIND the tone could cause someone to feel stupid, undesirable, clumsy, and worse -unloved. For the first time, I realized what I was saying to my husband and children without words. Soon after that, another episode caused me even greater sorrow.
Mark, the kids and I were in the car driving somewhere. I can't even remember what we disagreed about, but soon I found myself arguing vehemently with my husband! I just couldn't make myself SHUT UP, even though I KNEW that I had said enough (actually more than enough). Mark remained calm and collected, but firm, as I ranted on. Suddenly from the back seat little voices piped up (Katie then Ben) "Cover in Kindness, Mommy! Cover in Kindness!" they pleaded...that had become our family "motto" the week before, when I had noticed the kids doing a lot of bickering among themselves. But now THEY were reminding ME! Suddenly, nothing was worth arguing about. I was slain.

I have grieved over my tongue before. As James says "it is a flame of fire....an uncontrollable evil full of deadly poison (3:6-8). That was not the first time my lack of tongue-control has brought me to tears. But this time, I got serious.

Later alone, I called out to God and told Him how sorry I was and how sick and tired I am of defeat. I'm tired of falling into the same habits of speech...After all, the Bible says that "those who control their tongues can also control themselves in every other way." (James 3:2). I sensed that controlling my tongue was the beginning of spiritual growth in my life in other areas as well. I asked the Lord to give me victory and I went ahead and thanked Him for it. Then I determined in my heart NOT to accept defeat. I began to be purposeful about change. I wrote Proverbs 15:1 on a large white cardboard sign and put it in the kitchen where I would plainly see it all day long. It says :"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger." I wrote in large clear letters and decorated my sign with flowers and palm trees, a sunshine and ocean waves. The kids loved it, and together we read it, and I explained to them what it meant. For the first few days, I still struggled to speak patiently and kindly to my children. I still found myself using a critical tone with Mark. But I WAS seeing some improvement...so I kept praying and asking God for victory. Believe it or not, I could not remember a time when I finished a day victorious in the area of tongue-control!
Several days later, I was halfway thru the day when I realized that victory was almost mine! I noticed that my kids were speaking nicely to one another too. And they responded better to my kind words and pleasant voice, even when it was firmly inflicting discipline!
I was noticing a change in my attitude towards Mark as well. Was he getting smarter? More capable? more of a leader in our home? Or maybe it was just that I was choosing to recognize these things about him and purposefully praise and affirm him. He was glowing!
By the end of that day, I was ready to jump up and down. I lay down in bed that night with a truly satisfied feeling that I had loved my family in actions AND words AND tone. Victory was mine! Thank you Jesus!
Not every day is as wonderful. But I can feel a huge change and I know my family can sense it too.
Yesterday, I made a new sign: Proverbs 31:26 "When she speaks, her words are wise and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions."NLT. Please pray that this will always be true of me -and you, too!

Beginning Blogger...

2006-08-31T23:20:00.000-04:00

BIG week...first days of school -ever! Katie and Grace are in public school for the first time (2nd and 4th grades). Mark and I escorted them to school the first day. We had to hustle out of there, because we were both ready to cry! So far so good, though. Ben starts preschool next week for half days M,W,F. Isaac and I will be on our own. What will we ever do?! Gee...I can probably think of a few things to catch up on.
Mark is settling in to his job as Battalion 3 Chaplain. I think he really likes it. And I am trying to find my place in the military world, juggling official Navy"functions", wardroom wives meetings (thats officers wives - for the unindoctrinated), family support group fundraisers, Bee club garden parties...etc, etc. Where does the Chaplains wife fit in and what are the best ways for me to serve and minister? After all, thats the main reason I'm here. And most important of all, I need to keep my focus on being the wife and mother that God wants me to be.
I have made a good friend already. Her name is Debra. She is a tall, vivacious, Jesus-loving mom who lives right across the road from me here on base. Her husband is in another Battalion, so we hooked up right away, and once we realized how well we get along (our kids too -she has a boy and a girl), we decided to swap off babysitting for Battalion functions. She and her husband Scott also invited Mark and me to church. We havent even visited anywhere else because we like it so much! I started going to the women's bible study on Tuesdays and have made three or four friends there as well.
So, all in all, we are settling in...

BENJAMIN'S FUNNIES....

Ben used his allowance to buy some fake vampire teeth at the NEX store here on base (yes,Halloween stuff is out everywhere!). He wanted to "scare" Grace and Katie when we picked them up at school.
"Dont tell them I bought these, Mommy", he insisted seriously. "Just say that we met a big, mean, monster and I beat him up and stole his teeth!"