Isaac's First Day of Preschool...

We can hardly believe it! Isaac is almost four, and he's going to preschool this year.
These are the pics we took on his first day. Of course his sisters and brother had to tag along. I think they hated to see him go as much as I did!
But Isaac was so excited, and he hardly looked back after walking into the class.
He sure has come a long way from being that tiny little preemmie in the NICU...

Here is Mark with the Euphrates River in the background

Ben praying "Dear Jesus, please bless Daddy and let him come home soon, 'cuz I miss him and love him and make the days go speedy fast til he comes back..."





Isaac playing with snails in the yard: "Dey'll sweep on duh fuffies..." translation : "They'll sleep on the fluffies" (Isaac's name for flower petals).





Bedtime questions from Benjamin: "Mom, will God ever turn bad?" "Mom, should we believe in spirits since we know God?" "Mom, why does our mouth make so much spit?" "Mom, why did Nana marry Poppop?"


Isaac questions: "Was you a liddle giwrl who pa'yed with toys once?"


Benjamin ask me at the beach this weekend: "Mom, can you go ahead and baptize me now?" (I had to insist that we wait for Daddy!)

Smiling is so much better than frowning. And laughing is better than crying.

For Thou art with me...

Chaplain Mark Conard receives the 'all clear' to pray for a departing convoy of troops in Iraq...

Take Two...

I've lost six pounds in ten days.
It was that stubborn six from the last baby that even weight watchers didn't budge.
But a bad appendics and a sick gallbladder melted it right off. Not the kind of weight loss program I would recommend. But highly effective. A nurse in surgery told me that another "gallbladder" (patients don't have names -just "the gallbladder in room 2") had lost twenty five pounds in a month. Gee, if only the diet companies could sell that : "BAD GALLBLADDER IN A BOTTLE - lose weight fast without even trying! No exercise required."
Of course they won't mention that the side-effects of a rogue gallbladder are pretty uncomfortable and that due to the nausea and pain food pretty much loses all appeal (if you can keep anything down at all).
I wouldn't buy it.

So I'm six pounds lighter and short two organs, to which I say "good riddance".
My bellybutton will never look the same and I'm pretty sure I'll never even wear bikini underwear again let alone a swimsuit. But in a couple of months I'm going to look back with longing on these peaceful days spent propped up on pillows in a dark bedroom, watching the FOOD Network and reading novels.
No, I definitely won't miss all the discomforts, weaknesses, and pains that come from surgery. But I'll look back thankfully on the rest.
Even now I have been able to say, and really mean it, "Thank You Lord".
Thank You for watching over me. Thank You for a mom and sister who are also nurses and take such good care of me. Thank You for forcing me to stop and listen to You.
Thank You for rest and healing.
And thank You for giving me extra time to pray.
Help me use it well.

Hot water bottles and chocolates...

The kids and I are packing up and heading to Virginia for the Summer. Yippee! We can hardly wait to be surrounded by our family. And Stephanie (my twin sister) and her little tribe are headed in from Okinawa, Japan. Two months into Mark's seven month deployment and we can use a BIG diversion.

While we are away, I have offered the use of our house to a couple of families who are moving. They will need a place to stay while they do their "pack out"s and clean their homes for inspection. I figure that since we won't be here it only makes sense for them to make use of our house...
So...ok, I am my mother's girl. I confess. I have been scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees. I have scoured the bathrooms, cleaned out the closets, and washed all the sheets and blankets. I even had a yard sale today (and made a whopping $9). What's driving me? I pondered amidst the scrubwater. Mark can attest that I am by no means Martha Stewart. I even have a sign in my kitchen that says "My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it!" (gratis Stephanie!).
I thought of my mom. Mom shows love through acts of service. Whether its cooking up a southern meal from scratch for twenty people or preparing her house for the white glove test before we visit. And its not like any of us would actually look for dust. When we go home we are just happy to be there. But I have learned that this is Mom's way of saying "I love you. I want you to feel special and cared for". I think I used to take it for granted. But now I notice those efforts. And I see them for what they are. I even find myself emulating my Mom.
When Mark and I lived in Zambia, we kept a tiny one room guesthouse in our back yard. Now, my husband is the consummate Concierge. He LOVES playing host. And since I am the "Mrs" that makes me host-ess. It took me a a few years into our marriage to warm to the role (of hostess!). But in Zambia, Mark took it to a whole new level. He delighted in leaving hot water bottles in our guests' beds and chocolates under their pillows. I got into the act by making a coffee/tea tray in the guesthouse complete with hot pot and mugs. It was fun. And it was special. It was our way to say "We care about you!" to our fellow missionaries. If just for one night we could lift their burdens and make them smile...that was Mark's heart. And it became mine too.
So here I find myself sad that my Summer guests will come and I will not be here to tuck a hot water bottle in their bed and a chocolate under their pillow...sigh...
Well, I can at least clean the house!
I took a break and called Dad...He said mom was outside having a yard sale!

Dear Mark...

Dear Mark,
It was so good to hear your voice on the phone last weekend...I did not want to hang up. Sometimes this fear in me swells up, you know. While you are talking to me on the phone I can be sure that you are ok. I can hear you breathe and laugh and sigh...you are real again, right beside of me. But when I hang up that phone, you are a world away from me. And it is a dream world that I cannot imagine...that maybe I don't want to imagine.
These past few days, I have known you are "out"...out of the protection of the "wire" (as you call it over there). So I just keep swallowing back that fear.
My trust is not in where you are (or where you are not), but in Who is with you.
I wish I could reassure you, sweetheart, that my faith was perfect and unwavering. But that would be disingenuine. Sometimes I waver. Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask myself questions like: "What if the CACO Chaplain comes to my door?""What will I do if I see a government car pull in the drive?"...stupid, destructive questions...But don't you think that all the other wives are asking the same ones? I wonder...but none of us would ever say it. That would be admitting that we think of such unthinkable things.
What do you think of? Do you wonder what the kids are doing in the evening? Do you imagine what it feels like to hug them goodnight? I ache for you over that one, darling. I know how badly you must miss them...I think in that way this separation is harder for you than for me. Yes, I am exhausted and lonely for your company, but I have the children. You, on the other hand, just have a bunch of sweaty guys!
When you called this time you sounded good -not discouraged like last week. I'm glad I could cheer you up then. I know that some days are harder than others. And we have an enemy who would like nothing better than to keep us in a pit. But Mark, you are right when you say that sometimes obeying God's call if very painful...sometimes I ask Him wouldn't He please like to give us another assignment? Preferably one we could do side by side? But the answer for now is a firm NO. So, like you, I would rather be separated and in the middle of His will than holding hands outside of it.
I love and miss you so much! Happy 40th Birthday!

Let us persevere, My Love...for His sake.
Stacey

One month down...

For two weeks I have been trying to find time to sit down at my computer and write this blog. But uninterrupted time is hard to come by here in my house. Seems like there is always a pressing need, an urgent request, or a shrill scream: i.e. "Mooooommmm!!!!".
So I got up extra early this morning to write this. I don't know why... its not like I am a syndicated columnist. I wonder why people write blogs? Some people even write them every day or even several times a day(those people must get paid!).
I asked myself this morning if I couldn't just email someone. But it feels cathartic to get things in print like this. And hey I get to play with the font and the templates and add pictures... And with a blog I am not forcing anyone to read my ramblings. As a matter of fact I think I have a readership of two (and one of you is my mom).
Well, we have sailed past the one month milestone.
My adrenaline is running a little low now, I'll admit. I think the first month for us military- wives-of-deployed-service-members is all about adrenaline. Its all about making new routines, keeping busy, sending packages like crazy, and waiting for those first phone calls. Its about getting used to sleeping alone (unless you have kids like mine who like to camp out in your bedroom), trying to trim the lawn without amputating a limb (your own, with the weed-eater)... and utter despair when you come home to find a message on the phone from your husband that says he called while you were making that fifteen minute trip to the Commissary for milk (after sitting by the phone for four days). Its the bitterness of holding your six year old son when he finally breaks down and sobs "I miss my Daddy!!!!". Then the bittersweetness of watching your kids adjust to not having their Daddy, and trying to keep a balance of missing him and going on without him (all the while remembering that we will be making the reverse adjustment again in a few months).
Its about knowing that no one who is not a military wife can truly understand how you feel or what you need -but wishing desperately that they did! Its realizing that we are a military at war and not a country at war. And most Americans live their lives without a thought to the sacrifices that are being made on their behalf -every day, every moment. And its having to hear from well-meaning friends and relatives how poorly they think our government is being run and how our troops should just come home...which is no comfort to me because I am proud of my country and what our troops are doing in Iraq. What really encourages me is for people to say : I believe in what your husband is doing. I appreciate his sacrifice."
This first month for me has been all about staying the course...not wavering with every emotion, but setting my mind steadfastly to the task at hand. Every morning I remind the Lord about His promise in Isaiah 54:5, that HE is my Husband. He will have to meet my needs and walk with me. He will have to fend off fear and uncertainty. He will be my Refuge and my Rock. Peace will have to flow from Him. In my own strength I will lose resilience. I will waver. I will give way to loneliness and fear. But in His power I am equipped for all things....even being a military wife.


May 9th has been designated Military Spouse Day by president George Bush this year!

Countdown...

Less than 2 weeks til Mark leaves. The painful tearing apart process has begun... At night in bed I stay close to him, trying to commit the feel of him, the warmth and strength of him, to memory...I wake in the still, dark hours and listen to his breathing. I can't fall back asleep. My mind is too full of the reality that he is leaving, that he is going to a very dangerous place far away. As I lay there, my heart begins to race...I feel panic at the thought of being alone...alone with four precious children to care for...this is an anxiety attack, I know. So I pray...until the fear shrinks and I can tuck it away. I would like to say that it disappears altogether. But that would be too easy...and insincere. I must live with it. No, I must live through it. Sometimes I just have to hold on...to grab the Lord's strong hand and duck my head and plow through...
But one thing I know, I cannot give fear the upper hand. It is dark and wicked and all- consuming. If I give even an inch then it will take a mile in my mind.
Yet even when the fear subsides, the aching pain in my heart remains...
My best friend is going away. ..my encourager, my lover, my protector, my friend, my husband.

I love to hear Mark play with the kids...he tickles and wrestles and his laugh is contagious. Every night he and Benjamin go for a walk. I stand at the front doorwatching as they head down the sidewalk holding hands. Mark's tall shoulders bend towards his little son to listen, with Benjamin chatting happily, casting smiles up to his dad...
One night I went back inside only to have Isaac grab me and say "You be daddy! You tickle me!". I laughed and tickled him until he squealed. But it reminded me with a shock that in a few days I will have to be both Mom and Dad...and I know that I can't do it. I can never take their Daddy's place even for a day, let alone six or seven months...I can't fill the void his journey will leave...
And oh how I dread the tears and the anguished little cries when he goes...
Just a few nights ago, I hugged Ben and asked him how he felt about Dad's leaving soon. He said softly "Bad. I feel bad".
"What kind of bad?" I asked, dreading the answer.
"A sad kinda bad. 'Cause I am gonna miss our times together..." he paused, "and I'm afraid Daddy's gonna get killed over there...but I can't talk about that right now." He stopped abruptly...
"Because if it will make me cry, and I don't want to cry right now ."

Me either, Benjamin. They'll be time for that in two weeks.

ABC News: Chaplains Salute Each of the Fallen

ABC News: Chaplains Salute Each of the Fallen

Go, therefore...

Before we left Zambia almost two years ago, I began to pray for these women. I did not know them, did not even know their names (Stefani -white shirt, Melissa -brown and pink, Sharon- brown print). But God knew...
They are all wives of Officers who serve alongside Mark. During the last deployment, I invited all the wardroom wives to my home to learn more about the Bible...these gals came -and kept coming! The first night, Melissa and Stefani gave their hearts to Christ. Then Sharon came and began to grow in her faith...Together, we have studied God's Word every week for the past year.
Last weekend, Melissa and Sharon and I watched together as Stefani was baptized (and since this is California, it was in a jacuzzi!). It was a beautiful picture. Her face was radiant. My heart was filled with hope and pride...not in anything I had done, but because in Stefani's life I have seen the incredible work of the Spirit. She has embraced God's Word, grounded herself in a strong church, shared Christ with those around her faithfully and now followed her Lord in the step of faith that is baptism. I could not help but cry...with joy...with a touch of sorrow....because next week she is moving to Oregon (and later Florida). And then next month Sharon is moving to Texas. And in June, Melissa is moving to Tennessee. Such is the life of a military wife.
This week, we met for a "Going Away" celebration during our usual bible study time. We shared gifts, cards, words of encouragement and a promise to pray for one another. Stefani asked us to pray for her as she starts a bible study with friends and family members in Oregon. They have heard of her changed life and are being drawn to the things of God because of her witness.
Sharon has been a light to her family as God does his work in her. She has reached out to her daughter in law who is a troop here on base. Sharon's love and encouragement may be the thing that God uses to save her son's marriage.
And Melissa...she calls me her "spiritual mother" and it blesses me. I will never forget Melissa saying to me one day..."I am 41 years old...How I wish someone had told me about Jesus years ago!". She told me that she is "addicted" to God's Word. Her husband and mother cannot understand...but she faithfully prays and believes that one day they will. Right now, Melissa and I are studying together through Beth Moore's online study "Believing God". I marvel at Melissa's faith and her hunger for Him. She challenges me and inspires me. When she comes upon a spiritual truth that is new to her, I love that she calls to share it with me!
I will never forget these women. For all the ways that they say I have touched their lives, they can never know how they have enriched mine. It has been my privilege to share Christ with them and walk with them on this journey. And I am blessed to call them friends.
We have understood eachother in a special way, not only from being believers but also in being military wives.
But soon I will have to say Goodbye. It is bittersweet.
Just as Mark leaves for Iraq, my friends will be leaving too. "Are You sure about this, Lord?", I can't help but ask. Yet I know that His ways are not mine. And after all, He did say "Go".
So may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always my sisters...
"Remember, He Who called you is faithful..." (IThess.5:24).

My Little Super Heros

I have potty trained my youngest child. It is a giddy feeling. No more diaper bags to tote hither and fro. Instead we have a drawer full of new, size 3, little boy underwear. I love them! ...decorated all over with super heros, or scooby doo or (his favorite) Thomas the Tank Engines. So now we have two boys running through the house after bathtime shaking their super hero briefs and showing off their latest karate moves.
Truly, my boys' imaginations know no bounds and neither do their energy levels.
I told Mark at the end of one particularly exhausting day: "Raising boys is HARD!"
They are so physical. All day long they are pulling me, crashing into me, running from me, climbing on me and asking me questions...
"Momma, can you come see...?"
"Momma, what is...?"
"Momma, why do...?"
"Momma, how does...?"
"Momma, can I...?
"Momma, watch this!"
The latter is usually uttered by Benjamin just before he displays a set of super-duper-never-seen-before-wild-arm and leg slinging-karate moves meant to dispatch bad guys. After he finishes the exhibition, Benjamin waits breathlessly for my applause. At the same time his little brother is trying to imitate him and ends up in a tangled heap on the floor. I stifle my giggles and give a very solemn nod of approval followed by profuse hand clapping. Then I scoop Isaac off the floor and smother him with kisses until we are both laughing. Ben is duly affirmed and bounces off to choreograph more super moves.

Yes, boys are exhausting...and exhilerating...and amazing! What would I do withouth them? It seems that the Lord has orchestrated this very interesting stage to coincide with a time in my life when my attention most needs to be diverted. Keeping my mind on my little boys keeps me from ruminating over the whereabouts of my BIG boy (Mark), which will all-too-soon be Iraq.
The very bad thing is that when Mark leaves I have to be all things to everyone. And while I feel pretty confident with the Mom thing, I am a very poor Daddy.
The girls and I miss Mark when he is gone. But the boys lose a little sparkle...During Mark's last deployment, Benjamin did not smile. And oh, how I missed his smile! Now Isaac is old enough to really feel it too. They will both miss the tickles, the wrestling, and the games of hide and seek where Mark will hide somewhere in the house then jump out and scare them til they are a mess of screams and giggles. They love it and beg for him to "Go hide, Daddy!".
But I am not so good at these things, and Ben will say with a sigh "Mom, you just aren't a good wrestler like Daddy". (Only he will pronounce it "westhler" because his front tooth is missing:>)
I know it is true. I am not wild and loud and strong and crazy with these boys like their Daddy is. Boys need that...just as much as they need their Momma's cuddles and kisses, hugs and handholding.
Sigh...
Well, Lord, YOU will have to fill the void when he leaves again. And give me the energy to keep up with these little guys!
Oh how I need them...

Goodbye 2007, Hello 2008!

Our family wrapped up the year 2007 by trying our hand at "geocaching". You can see the pics to the left. We probably chose too difficult of a cache for our first one. But the kids were troopers! We hiked about 3/4 the way up the "chumash elevator". It is a very steep trail right off the Pacific Coast Highway across from the SeaBee firing range. At the end of the day we decided that we really need a hand-held GPS (the portable auto-navigator we got for Christmas is good for helping Mark find road directions but doesn't do the trick with geocaching).

LOOKING BACK...
A lot to be thankful for in 2007. Topping my list is the absence of back pain!-YAY! Yes, when I overdo it I still pay the piper. But on a daily basis I feel great, which says alot when late in 2007 I was feeling pain every day and my doctor was recommending surgery. I now praise God often for the gift of health and mobility.
If you are reading this blog looking for a family update...
Mark is home until April when he deploys again, this time to Iraq until November. So we are treasuring every day. We are planning a vacation to Palm Desert with our missionary friends from Zambia -Wes and Laurie Wilcox this month. They have graciously invited us along on their R&R .\
Until then, Homeschool is back in session and the kids are right on track. Katie is actually enjoying reading now, and I am more convinced than ever that homeschooling her is the best thing we can do. All the kids are enrolled in a homeschool co-op that meets two to three times a month. This gives them a chance to be with other kids and learn from someone besides "Mrs Twinkles".
Isaac is now officially potty trained!!!YAYAYAY (you have to be a Mom to fully appreciate this piece of news).
Mark just sent in his request for our next duty station (he is required to do this about 12 months prior). So we are once again asking the Lord to send us where He wants us to be.
"...and pray for us too that God may open a door for our message..." (Col.4:3). It takes the fear out of the future when we remember that God always has us right where He wants us -even in Iraq, California, whereever...as long as we are asking for His will to be done and we are willing to obey Him when He calls.
Its hard for us to believe that we have been away from Zambia for almost two years now....sometimes we wonder if that ache will ever go away, if we will ever NOT be homesick for Africa.
But we thank God for the military ministry He has entrusted to us. We have really been stretched this past year and blessed. Now 2008 offers its own set of challenges. Will you pray for and with us regarding the following:

Protection for Mark while he is deployed.
A good adjustment for our family to another deployment.
Wisdom and guidance for the Detailer who places us in our next duty station.
Ministry materials for Mark's troops - he has no budget for bibles, care kits,etc so we pay for these ourselves.
A restful, refreshing vacation
Continued daily wisdom and guidance for Mark as he counsels troops and their families, that he will stay close in God's Word and prayer.
Thank you!
May your new year be truly blessed!

Merry Christmas from us to YOU!

You'll have to ignore the digital cameral dates on these pics. They were actually all taken in the months of November and December.

We want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. May the joy of the Lord be yours.
Love,
Mark, Stacey. Grace, Katie, Benjamin and Isaac Conard

Our Fantastic Four!

We all get ready for Halloween and Thanksgiving, and Mark is headed for Field Training Exercises up North.
Above from left is Benjamin (5), Isaac (3), Katie (9), and Grace (10).

From the desk of Mrs. Twinkles...

Ok, I am Mrs. Twinkles. That is my homeschool pseudonym. I've been donning my apron and oversized glasses since Grace was in Kindergarten. The girls think it is great fun to be greeted by their quirky teacher each morning, and now the boys giggle about it too. Of course they forget and ask "Mom" for help sometimes. Thats when Mrs. Twinkles has to gently remind them that "Mom" has stepped out.
Its not easy wearing two hats, or aprons for that matter. Having Mrs. Twinkles helps me to infuse fun into the school teacher mode. But the reality is that I never stop being Mom. Mom is never truly "out" or "taking a break". Mrs. Twinkles gets to pull off the apron and lay aside the glasses, then she disappears. But Mom is on duty 24/7.
I take this task of homeschooling very seriously. It requires a lot of discipline on my part and cooperation from the kids. At the same time, Mark has to be 100% supportive (which he is). Recently, I did some research on homeschooling in preparation for a graduate paper I was writing. It was very enlightening and at the same time challenging. The title of my paper was Homeschooling the child with a nonverbal learning disorder. I found that not much has been written on that exact topic, but plenty has been written about homeschooling. I was intrigued by the research and then bemused by the diverse opinions expressed -both for and against the practice of homeschooling. It really caused me to examine my own views and ask (again) Why are we doing it? Why don't we put our children in public schools and let trained professionals teach them? Are they missing out on important socialization and educational opportunities? Wouldn't it be great (for me) to have some free time during the day?!
I was forced to take a long look at my children, our schooling program, and the pros and cons of the whole investment...And I decided........ that I wouldn't change a thing!
This research has made it very clear to me that we are doing the very best thing for our daughter with NVLD. But I am also convinced that it is the best thing for the other three as well. I am not a crusader against public schools. I have a great respect and appreciation for public school teachers. But I know that no one can give my children the individual attention that I can afford to give them. Yes, it has always been a challenge with a baby in arms or a toddler underfoot. Yet, even in the trying moments when everyone is clamoring for my attention, it gives all of us an opportunity to learn a lesson in patience, cooperation, and selflessness. I love the fact that all day long I have the privilege of spending time with my children, serving them, and influencing them. It is a huge challenge, an incredible responsibility, and one that I choose not to abrogate to someone else. Yes, I enjoy being the one they confide in, the one who answers their weighty life questions and shares their every little joy. I like the fact that we are learning together. We are making discoveries and laughing and ooing and awing together. I like how they crowd around (even the three year old) to listen to me read aloud a good book like Across Five Aprils or Caddie Woodlawn. Then we talk about it together. It thrills me when they get excited about science projects on the patio or cooking class in the kitchen. I love how homeschooling gives them practical life skills and provides so much opportunity for spiritual training as well. We talk about God in every aspect of life. And no one can tell us NO, YOU CANT. We are free. And freedom is precious. It is something to be held in awe and esteem...to be revered. But it is also something to be handled and tasted and touched and smelled, not to be rested on a shelf and visited in books or talked about in the ideal. I think that homeschooling is one of our ultimate freedoms here in the US. Our children are learning about that and about many other things that I'm afraid public school cannot teach them. Yes, I do long for my children to be bright and knowledgeable. But most of all, I long for them to be Godly and compassionate, wise and courageous. I want them to be brave enough to think outside the box of tradition and convention when its the right thing to do. And I want to enjoy every precious moment with them that I can....with a little help from Mrs. Twinkles!

Fast Moving Train...the Battalion Chaplain

Interesting title, huh?
That's him over on the left...LT Mark E. Conard USN,CHC... Chaplain to about 700 troops. Someone told me a Battalion Chaplain is like a fast moving train, moving in a whirlwind of activity and urgency most of the time. Can't believe I got him to stand still long enough to take this picture!
He's a busy guy, alright. But he is so GREAT at what he does.
Recently I counseled with one of the female troops and got a little taste of what he does every single day. And I honestly don't know how he does it - by the grace of God, he would say.
He patiently and thoughtfully listens to everyone who comes in his office (or meets him in the hall, or on the grinder, or outside on the way to lunch, or well, you get the picture). He is on call 24-7. It isn't his duty to berate them or moralize or judge. But to listen and, God willing, recognize the opportunities to speak truth into their lives in a loving and winsome way. Sometimes he has to be kind but firm. And the decisions he sees some of these young kids make are heart-breaking. But his door stays open and it allows them to come back later and cry on his shoulder. And sometimes the light breaks thru and someone embraces the Good News he shares. I always know what happened when he comes home with a big grin on his face!
And then he tries to mentor them and disciple them with bible studies, prayer and accountability.
But those particular things are often done amidst the whirlwind...
a whirlwind of hospital visits, threatened suicides, Red Cross messages, and the dreaded KEKO duty -telling the family when a troop has died, and any number of daily urgent needs.
And on top of all that, he manages to keep us, his family, feeling loved and special.
Yes, there are times I have to jump on board and hang on for dear life and then tuck and roll when its time to get off! But for the most part, I am really enjoying sharing this ride.
And just in case I don't express it enough: "Mark Conard, I believe in you. You are a terrific officer, an incredible Chaplain, a super Dad, and my Beloved...I know why we are here. Thank you for modeling faithfulness, integrity, honor and sincerity to me and our children. We love you!"