My utmost...

A couple of days ago, I read the daily devotional page from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost For His Highest (Dec.18th). Sometimes, I do not mind saying, Mr. Chambers is quite over my head. But this time I read and re-read until I felt I had a good understanding of his train of thought. It was along the lines of loyalty to Christ. Mr. Chambers conjectured that we SAY we believe God engineers circumstances, but in our ACTIONS we deny it. God orders our every circumstance, but how often are we disloyal to Him by failing to realize this truth until the circumstance has changed or past? Then we look back with regret, realizing that we never saw what He was after. Perhaps we were too concerned with getting the circumstance to alter -it was too pressing, too uncomfortable. And so, after a time it does. And we have missed forever God's purpose in it for us.
Chambers says: "The test of loyalty always comes just there. If we learn to worship God in the trying circumstances, He will alter them in two seconds when He chooses."
I wonder how many God-ordained circumstances I have begged away from? How often have I cried and squirmed and complained...wasting precious opportunities to show my loyalty and my steadfast faith in Him?
The very day before I read this devotion, I went to a Battalion function for family members. As the chaplains wife, I tried to visit with the wives and offer encouragement and support. From all sides, I could feel the overwhelming stress and pressure felt by these women with their spouses so recently deployed. Many are just ill-equipped to handle the day to day struggles they now face. They have no faith-compass, nothing to steady them and assure them that all will be well. They do not know the One who seeks to comfort them, the Strong Tower to run into and be sheltered from these storms. My heart was very heavy for them.
As I ministered among the wives, several inquired about meeting together for some type of Bible Study or prayer group. This was an encouraging sign. I wrote down phone numbers and gave out my number and email address. Later that night, as I recalled the events of the day, I realized that the needs were overwhelming. How could I possibly take on OTHER peoples needs -I was exhausted just trying to take care of myself and my four children! It would be so much easier and more comfortable to just take care of my own. Being somewhat of an introvert, its not much of a stretch for me to just stay home and do my own thing. But then I read the devotion for December 18th in My Utmost...and I realized that these are my circumstances...my husband is gone for six months, I am a single mom...I am tired. But God has orchestrated all of this. I have a choice to make. I can moan and complain and draw into my shell and just make it through until June, or I can step out in loyalty to Him and say "I trust You, Lord. Now use me as You will...".

Mark packed up and headed out yesterday. It was every bit as hard as I thought it would be. The house seemed so still and quiet last night (after the kids were in bed of course!). I laid in the dark trying to sleep, but just thinking of all the things that I will be doing alone for the next half year. Ugh! That sounds terrible. Let's say "Six months" -sounds better.

Anyway, I do not relish single-parenting. Mark is the sun and moon around here. And when he is away, it seems like there is a cloud over everything. I just cannot make the kids laugh like he can. And Ben informed me that I cannot wrestle like Daddy either! And when he found out that Daddy would not make it back for his fifth birthday in January (the long awaited "Batman" party), he wailed with such a gut wrenching cry that it broke my heart.

Grace is full of "Why?" questions. The big ones being:Why does Daddy have to be a soldier in the Navy? and Why can't we just go back to Zambia where he can be with us all the time?
To which I initially tried giving a lengthy dissertation about the theology of God's will...but she met me with a "Lame -O" look and crossed her arms. After all, she is nine (almost ten) and she is a big girl now (as she informed me yesterday before melting into a puddle of tears). So I changed my answer and just simply pointed out that Daddy is really gifted by God at being a soldier-missionary. And he loves what he does. He doesn't want to leave us, but that is the responsibility he has now. So we need to be proud of him and support him. She seemed more satisfied with that and so was I. Before he left, Katie told me that she was happy to send Daddy out to tell the other soldiers about Jesus -but she sure would miss him. And then she cried like a baby (she's eight).
Me too.

Isaac, who is two, is the only one who was unaffected. He did not have a clue that we were saying goodbye to Daddy for many months. So he just laughed and giggled all the way home.
This morning, he met me with a little smile and crawled into my lap as usual to watch Sesame Street. We named him well..."Laughter".
I could use some of that. I think I'll go get a hug.