Countdown...

Less than 2 weeks til Mark leaves. The painful tearing apart process has begun... At night in bed I stay close to him, trying to commit the feel of him, the warmth and strength of him, to memory...I wake in the still, dark hours and listen to his breathing. I can't fall back asleep. My mind is too full of the reality that he is leaving, that he is going to a very dangerous place far away. As I lay there, my heart begins to race...I feel panic at the thought of being alone...alone with four precious children to care for...this is an anxiety attack, I know. So I pray...until the fear shrinks and I can tuck it away. I would like to say that it disappears altogether. But that would be too easy...and insincere. I must live with it. No, I must live through it. Sometimes I just have to hold on...to grab the Lord's strong hand and duck my head and plow through...
But one thing I know, I cannot give fear the upper hand. It is dark and wicked and all- consuming. If I give even an inch then it will take a mile in my mind.
Yet even when the fear subsides, the aching pain in my heart remains...
My best friend is going away. ..my encourager, my lover, my protector, my friend, my husband.

I love to hear Mark play with the kids...he tickles and wrestles and his laugh is contagious. Every night he and Benjamin go for a walk. I stand at the front doorwatching as they head down the sidewalk holding hands. Mark's tall shoulders bend towards his little son to listen, with Benjamin chatting happily, casting smiles up to his dad...
One night I went back inside only to have Isaac grab me and say "You be daddy! You tickle me!". I laughed and tickled him until he squealed. But it reminded me with a shock that in a few days I will have to be both Mom and Dad...and I know that I can't do it. I can never take their Daddy's place even for a day, let alone six or seven months...I can't fill the void his journey will leave...
And oh how I dread the tears and the anguished little cries when he goes...
Just a few nights ago, I hugged Ben and asked him how he felt about Dad's leaving soon. He said softly "Bad. I feel bad".
"What kind of bad?" I asked, dreading the answer.
"A sad kinda bad. 'Cause I am gonna miss our times together..." he paused, "and I'm afraid Daddy's gonna get killed over there...but I can't talk about that right now." He stopped abruptly...
"Because if it will make me cry, and I don't want to cry right now ."

Me either, Benjamin. They'll be time for that in two weeks.

ABC News: Chaplains Salute Each of the Fallen

ABC News: Chaplains Salute Each of the Fallen

Go, therefore...

Before we left Zambia almost two years ago, I began to pray for these women. I did not know them, did not even know their names (Stefani -white shirt, Melissa -brown and pink, Sharon- brown print). But God knew...
They are all wives of Officers who serve alongside Mark. During the last deployment, I invited all the wardroom wives to my home to learn more about the Bible...these gals came -and kept coming! The first night, Melissa and Stefani gave their hearts to Christ. Then Sharon came and began to grow in her faith...Together, we have studied God's Word every week for the past year.
Last weekend, Melissa and Sharon and I watched together as Stefani was baptized (and since this is California, it was in a jacuzzi!). It was a beautiful picture. Her face was radiant. My heart was filled with hope and pride...not in anything I had done, but because in Stefani's life I have seen the incredible work of the Spirit. She has embraced God's Word, grounded herself in a strong church, shared Christ with those around her faithfully and now followed her Lord in the step of faith that is baptism. I could not help but cry...with joy...with a touch of sorrow....because next week she is moving to Oregon (and later Florida). And then next month Sharon is moving to Texas. And in June, Melissa is moving to Tennessee. Such is the life of a military wife.
This week, we met for a "Going Away" celebration during our usual bible study time. We shared gifts, cards, words of encouragement and a promise to pray for one another. Stefani asked us to pray for her as she starts a bible study with friends and family members in Oregon. They have heard of her changed life and are being drawn to the things of God because of her witness.
Sharon has been a light to her family as God does his work in her. She has reached out to her daughter in law who is a troop here on base. Sharon's love and encouragement may be the thing that God uses to save her son's marriage.
And Melissa...she calls me her "spiritual mother" and it blesses me. I will never forget Melissa saying to me one day..."I am 41 years old...How I wish someone had told me about Jesus years ago!". She told me that she is "addicted" to God's Word. Her husband and mother cannot understand...but she faithfully prays and believes that one day they will. Right now, Melissa and I are studying together through Beth Moore's online study "Believing God". I marvel at Melissa's faith and her hunger for Him. She challenges me and inspires me. When she comes upon a spiritual truth that is new to her, I love that she calls to share it with me!
I will never forget these women. For all the ways that they say I have touched their lives, they can never know how they have enriched mine. It has been my privilege to share Christ with them and walk with them on this journey. And I am blessed to call them friends.
We have understood eachother in a special way, not only from being believers but also in being military wives.
But soon I will have to say Goodbye. It is bittersweet.
Just as Mark leaves for Iraq, my friends will be leaving too. "Are You sure about this, Lord?", I can't help but ask. Yet I know that His ways are not mine. And after all, He did say "Go".
So may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always my sisters...
"Remember, He Who called you is faithful..." (IThess.5:24).