Countdown...

Less than 2 weeks til Mark leaves. The painful tearing apart process has begun... At night in bed I stay close to him, trying to commit the feel of him, the warmth and strength of him, to memory...I wake in the still, dark hours and listen to his breathing. I can't fall back asleep. My mind is too full of the reality that he is leaving, that he is going to a very dangerous place far away. As I lay there, my heart begins to race...I feel panic at the thought of being alone...alone with four precious children to care for...this is an anxiety attack, I know. So I pray...until the fear shrinks and I can tuck it away. I would like to say that it disappears altogether. But that would be too easy...and insincere. I must live with it. No, I must live through it. Sometimes I just have to hold on...to grab the Lord's strong hand and duck my head and plow through...
But one thing I know, I cannot give fear the upper hand. It is dark and wicked and all- consuming. If I give even an inch then it will take a mile in my mind.
Yet even when the fear subsides, the aching pain in my heart remains...
My best friend is going away. ..my encourager, my lover, my protector, my friend, my husband.

I love to hear Mark play with the kids...he tickles and wrestles and his laugh is contagious. Every night he and Benjamin go for a walk. I stand at the front doorwatching as they head down the sidewalk holding hands. Mark's tall shoulders bend towards his little son to listen, with Benjamin chatting happily, casting smiles up to his dad...
One night I went back inside only to have Isaac grab me and say "You be daddy! You tickle me!". I laughed and tickled him until he squealed. But it reminded me with a shock that in a few days I will have to be both Mom and Dad...and I know that I can't do it. I can never take their Daddy's place even for a day, let alone six or seven months...I can't fill the void his journey will leave...
And oh how I dread the tears and the anguished little cries when he goes...
Just a few nights ago, I hugged Ben and asked him how he felt about Dad's leaving soon. He said softly "Bad. I feel bad".
"What kind of bad?" I asked, dreading the answer.
"A sad kinda bad. 'Cause I am gonna miss our times together..." he paused, "and I'm afraid Daddy's gonna get killed over there...but I can't talk about that right now." He stopped abruptly...
"Because if it will make me cry, and I don't want to cry right now ."

Me either, Benjamin. They'll be time for that in two weeks.